I sit there staring at the test in disbelief, the very visible positive sign staring back at me. How did Grams know? Did Pop really tell her I was pregnant? Is that even possible? Possible or not, the fact was I was pregnant. I sat there a few more minutes and then snapped myself out of it, I had to get back home, Lee would be looking for me, we had another funeral to plan.
Lee pulls up in the car next to me as I'm walking down our street, I apologized for going MIA and told her I had to get some fresh air. We went to the funeral home where the faces were getting all too familiar, and started to make Grams arrangements. More than once I got lost in thought about what Grams had said about not waiting to see a doctor, I knew in order to do that I was going to have to tell Lee about the baby, but I just couldn't think about that now. Lee fought me on every decision that was made about Grams funeral, she picked out this awful casket that was just flat out gaudy and over adorned, nothing like Grams at all. I saw this incredibly beautiful mahogany casket with white satin lining and an embroidered pink rose on the inside, Grams loved roses, the simplicity of it Grams would have found beautiful, it was the perfect resting place for her. I refused to budge, I would be dammed if Lee made this funeral into something other than what Grams would have been proud of. When picking the music that was to be played Lee again was picking things SHE liked, not thinking of Grams at all, and again I spoke up. Lean on me would be played at the start of the service, it was Grams favorite song, Amazing Grace would be played after her eulogy and then I would sing In the Arms of the Angel, when Grams was being carried out the hymn His eye on the sparrow would be played. Lee brought this old navy suit for Grams to wear, a suit Grams hadn't worn in years, I thought for sure she would have gotten Grams white and royal blue dress that she loved, as we were leaving I told the man who was taking care of the arrangements that I would be back in an hour with the dress Grams was to wear, I had a friends mom take me back up to the funeral home and switched them out.
That evening I was sitting in my room trying to figure out how I was going to tell Lee about the baby and I decided to wait till after the funeral. I called Richard and told him to meet me in my back yard at 1am, that I needed to talk to him. When he got to my house I was sitting on the back porch steps, he walked up to me, and said Starr just get it over with.....he thought I was going to break up with him. I stood up and told him I was pregnant, and that Grams knew I was pregnant and that he and I were still seeing each other but that I didn't want Lee to know for now, but that once I told her about the baby he was going to start coming around again like a normal person because there would be a baby involved and she wasn't going to stop my child's father from being around. We talked for a while about what we were going to do, and in the end decided to keep our plans the way we had them, we would get married right after I turned 18 since I estimated I would have the baby shortly before that and there would be no point in rocking that particular boat.
Three days later was the funeral, it was beautiful and a fantastic tribute to Grams life. People stood and told very heart warming stories about her, and I told a few stories she had told to me about when she was younger. After the initial service there was the grave side service and while the family were all standing there accepting condolences I passed out, when I came to I was in the back of one of Lees friends cars and there were about 20 people standing around just staring at me, I must have turned 100 shades of red. I got up and went to Lees car and we went home to prepare for all of the guests that would be arriving. I mostly stayed in my room, I was in no mood to socialize.
That Monday I decided to go back to school, I needed to be around my friends, it was a very long and exhausting day but being around people who cared about me and cared about Grams made me feel a bit better. I was preparing to walk home and saw Lee and her sister, my Aunt, pull up and told me they were going to take me to lunch. We got to the restaurant and before we even ordered Lee looked at me and said.....so how long have you been knocked up? I was caught completely off guard, how did she know???? I just sat there with a blank look on my face. Lee said she had her suspicions before that but when I passed out at the funeral she was almost positive, then when my reaction to her question was what it was, it was confirmed. To my surprise, Lee said nothing of terminating the pregnancy, she said she would make me a doctors appointment and asked me who the father was, I told her Richard was the father and she walked out of the restaurant. Lee didn't talk to me for days, when my doctors appointment came she took me and dropped me off and left. My pregnancy was confirmed and I was given the due date of December 5th 1999.
That evening Lee called me over to her house and there she sat with my dads brother and his wife. They had been talking about what to do with me, They decided that none of them wanted to deal with me pregnant so they were sending me to Kym's house in Mississippi.......Kym!! the woman who abandoned me on the front porch of Grams and Pops, Kym the one who I hadn't seen or spoken to in YEARS. I stormed out of the house, went home and directly into Randy's apartment, I told him if he EVER loved me, if I had been important to him at all he would help Richard and I get married before I turned 18 so I wouldn't have to go to Mississippi. To my surprise the next morning Randy SOBER came to me and told me he had called Grams and Pops lawyer and they were going to file a petition for Richard and I to get married. I figured I should probably tell Richard, he was thrilled!! the next day Randy went to the lawyers office, he was gone for hours and I was on pins and needles waiting for him to get home. The cab pulled up in the driveway and I ran outside to hear what had happened. Randy told me once Grams and Pop were both gone custody automatically went to joint between he and Kym, the lawyer called Kym to ask if she would sign the petition for Richard and I to get married and she refused, flat out refused, Randy's hands were tied.
Lee came over that night with boxes and told me to start packing, I was on a plain in less than 14 days to Kym's. I was terrified. I called Richard and told him that the petition couldn't be filed because Kym wouldn't sign it, and I was leaving in less than two weeks. He snuck over that night and we talked about running away together, just up and diapering, I was ready, I would pack a bag, he would go home and pack a bag and we would be gone.....then reality sank in that if (and more than likely would be) we were caught he would go to jail, I would still end up at Kym's and our baby would be worse off. We realized we were going to be separated for the entirety of my pregnancy, he was going to miss all of it, he was going to miss the birth and the first month of babies life, it was something we would deal with, but I was scared we couldn't survive it. The time went by fast, Richard snuck over every night and spent as much time together as we could but it wasn't enough. The morning of my flight I was hysterical, I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't stop shaking, I couldn't eat. Lee was cold, not showing any emotion at all, she took me to the terminal and we sat there in silence. Finally it was time to bored, I thought for sure she would give me a hug good buy but she just stood up and left without saying a word to me. I got on the plain alone and sat in the seat preparing for take off, the stewardess had to come and tell me to put my seatbelt on because my mind was wondering and I was imagining what my life was going to be like now. The plain took off and there I was on my way to live with Kym.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Monday, June 9, 2014
How many times can a heart break before it can't be put back together again? chapter 15
I stood there in the kitchen wanting to move closer to the table were Grams and Lee sat but I couldn't make myself move. Grams said Starr baby come sit here next to me, we need to talk to you. Fighting back the tears I slowly made my way to the table and sat down, Grams took my hand and started to cry.
"Starr baby, I went to see the doctor today to get my results from those tests" (Grams never called me Starr baby, that was pops thing, the couple times she had it was never followed by anything happy)
"what did she say Grams?"
"well sweetie, it looks like I have lung cancer, its pretty advanced but the dr thinks we can kick it with chemo"
"and you are doing the chemo right?........RIGHT??????"
"well that's what grandma and I were sitting here talking about, and yes, I think I am"
"of course you are Grams, you have to fight this! I need you!!!"
Grams was going to need round the clock care but I didn't care, I was going to do whatever I had to do to make sure she survived this, I couldn't even think about what would happen if she didn't, every time I tried to prepare myself for the worst case scenario it felt like I was kicked in the chest with a pair of cleats.
Just a few short days later Grams started chemo, she was sick and loosing her hair, she was week and had zero appetite. I would sit in bed with her and feed her beef and chicken broth just so she had something in her stomach.
November, December, January all passed and the chemo wasn't doing anything but making her sick, Grams made the decision to stop treatment and live what little time she had left without being so sick and tired all the time. Part of me understood her decision, and part of me didn't, I knew this meant that she was going to die, and I didn't know how much time I had left with her. I spent every waking moment with her, I didn't go to school, I didn't see friends unless they came to the house and even then it wasn't for long.
Grams was a fighter, she fought cancer tooth and nail, she gave it everything she had but in the end cancer won, on April 15th 1999 at 7:48am Grams passed. I was with her, laying in bed snuggling, we were talking and she said, "Starr, I know you are seeing Richard, Pop told me" I said "what do you mean Pop told you?" "That's not important right now sweet heart, just listen, I know you are still seeing Richard, and its ok, he loves you and you love him, and when I'm gone, you are going to need him more than ever, and please don't wait too long to see a doctor, its important" I just said "ok Grams, I love you, you know that?" "I do, and I love you too baby"
She laid her head on my shoulder, squeezed my hand, and was gone.
I laid with her for a few minutes just me and her and cried, holding her and telling her how much I loved her and thanking her for being an amazing mother to me. I finally got up and called Lee and 911, the paramedics came and took her away and I felt so empty, my heart was shattered and there was no putting it back together this time.
Lee was at home making the appointment with the funeral home to make the arrangements, and I was at home on the phone with Richard completely breaking down. I told him the last things Grams had said to me, when I repeated it, there was a little voice inside my head that told me to go take a test........why else would Grams tell me to see a doctor?
I told Richard I would have to call him back, I walked up the street to the drug store and then into the Carls Jr next door, and took the test in the bathroom. I sat there, dazing off into space, I have no idea how much time went by, but when I finally looked at the test.............
"Starr baby, I went to see the doctor today to get my results from those tests" (Grams never called me Starr baby, that was pops thing, the couple times she had it was never followed by anything happy)
"what did she say Grams?"
"well sweetie, it looks like I have lung cancer, its pretty advanced but the dr thinks we can kick it with chemo"
"and you are doing the chemo right?........RIGHT??????"
"well that's what grandma and I were sitting here talking about, and yes, I think I am"
"of course you are Grams, you have to fight this! I need you!!!"
Grams was going to need round the clock care but I didn't care, I was going to do whatever I had to do to make sure she survived this, I couldn't even think about what would happen if she didn't, every time I tried to prepare myself for the worst case scenario it felt like I was kicked in the chest with a pair of cleats.
Just a few short days later Grams started chemo, she was sick and loosing her hair, she was week and had zero appetite. I would sit in bed with her and feed her beef and chicken broth just so she had something in her stomach.
November, December, January all passed and the chemo wasn't doing anything but making her sick, Grams made the decision to stop treatment and live what little time she had left without being so sick and tired all the time. Part of me understood her decision, and part of me didn't, I knew this meant that she was going to die, and I didn't know how much time I had left with her. I spent every waking moment with her, I didn't go to school, I didn't see friends unless they came to the house and even then it wasn't for long.
Grams was a fighter, she fought cancer tooth and nail, she gave it everything she had but in the end cancer won, on April 15th 1999 at 7:48am Grams passed. I was with her, laying in bed snuggling, we were talking and she said, "Starr, I know you are seeing Richard, Pop told me" I said "what do you mean Pop told you?" "That's not important right now sweet heart, just listen, I know you are still seeing Richard, and its ok, he loves you and you love him, and when I'm gone, you are going to need him more than ever, and please don't wait too long to see a doctor, its important" I just said "ok Grams, I love you, you know that?" "I do, and I love you too baby"
She laid her head on my shoulder, squeezed my hand, and was gone.
I laid with her for a few minutes just me and her and cried, holding her and telling her how much I loved her and thanking her for being an amazing mother to me. I finally got up and called Lee and 911, the paramedics came and took her away and I felt so empty, my heart was shattered and there was no putting it back together this time.
Lee was at home making the appointment with the funeral home to make the arrangements, and I was at home on the phone with Richard completely breaking down. I told him the last things Grams had said to me, when I repeated it, there was a little voice inside my head that told me to go take a test........why else would Grams tell me to see a doctor?
I told Richard I would have to call him back, I walked up the street to the drug store and then into the Carls Jr next door, and took the test in the bathroom. I sat there, dazing off into space, I have no idea how much time went by, but when I finally looked at the test.............
Sunday, June 1, 2014
All good things must come to an end chapter 14
The next seven months flew by, Richard and I were getting ready to celebrate our one year anniversary, I was so excited, we were planning on seeing a movie and then going to dinner. I went out and got a new outfit for our date and was combing magazines looking for a new hairstyle.
May 8th 1998 came and I was getting ready for our date out, we went to see Titanic and then went to Orange hill for dinner, it was absolutely perfect! I had never been so happy in my life. I was now 16, and we were really starting to plan our wedding, we were planning on getting married right after I turned 18. This made grams very nervous and she continued to try and get me to stop seeing Richard. In June she found her chance.
A friend of Richards had gotten stranded in Los Vegas, Richard went to get him, he was only supposed to be gone a day and it ended up being three because the friend wasn't given his last paycheck on time and didn't trust the guy to mail it to him once back in California. On Monday when I got home from school there were police at my house, I ran in expecting to see Randy (whom I hadn't talked to since the ninja star incident) being arrested. Instead I saw grams sitting at the formal dinning table speaking with two officers, when they saw me they called me in and told me that grams called them because she didn't want Richard to be able to step foot on the property anymore, she had filed for a no trespass warrant and it was granted, from that moment Richard could be arrested if he came to my house again. Grams told me I was no longer aloud to see him and if she caught me sneaking around with him she would go to court for a restraining order. I was completely devastated.
I didn't speak to grams for months after that, we would literally pass each other in the house not speaking a word. During this time I was sneaking around to see Richard, thanks to a few friends who were more than willing to be my cover, I would go to there house and Richard would pick me up, or I would go spend the day at Knotts just to go into the park, wait 10 min and then meet Richard outside the gates and spend the day with him in a hotel room.
Also during this time Grams started to sleep a lot and not feel well, but me being a selfish teen didn't ask questions and didn't really care, I was still so angry with her for forbidding mine and Richards relationship I couldn't see past it.
Lee and I were fighting more and more because of my attitude, she made it clear that I was being a selfish brat but I didn't care, I thought she was being an unreasonable bitch, and told her so to her face. She called me over one day to tell me that grams was getting worse and she talked her into going into see the doctor, that I needed to get my head out of my ass and start being supportive and be there for her because her suspicions were correct I was going to be very sorry.....my head stayed up my ass.
Grams doctors appointment came and the doctor admitted her into the hospital, this hit me like a ton of bricks, the last time this happened we found out that pop had terminal cancer, I was terrified.....was grams going to die? had I wasted precious months with her because I was angry? months I could never get back. I sat in a corner of my room and cried harder than I had ever cried in my life, I was sorry for how I had been acting, I was scared and I felt guilty, a guilt that weighed heavy on my heart, so heavy it felt like I was being stabbed in the chest with a dull knife.
I just waited for the phone to ring, to hear Lees voice telling me it was all ok. I prayed, I prayed so hard begging God not to take Grams, that my heart just couldn't handle loosing her, I begged and begged till the phone rang......
hello? Starr its grandma (Lee) grams is done with her tests, they are releasing her tonight, we wont know anything for a few days. It would be really nice if you could have dinner ready for her......AND BE NICE!.....yes ma'am....that's all I could get myself to say.
Grams came home from the hospital and I had dinner waiting, I made fried chicken, mashed potatoes and corn on the cob, Grams picked at her food, not really eating much and went to bed. I washed the dishes and then went and crawled in bed with her, I laid with her the rest of the night holding her and crying and saying I'm sorry over and over again. she just held me back and said its ok baby doll, I know you love me. I could have said I was sorry two million times and the pain I felt in my chest wouldn't have gone away, all the sorry's in the world would not make up for the way I had treated grams over the last few months.
A few days later grams got the call from the doctor, she wanted to see her in her office as soon as possible, grams went right then, she knew it was more than likely not good news. Lee went with her, they were both sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me to get home from school, I walked in, saw them both there, sitting not saying a word, and I knew.................
May 8th 1998 came and I was getting ready for our date out, we went to see Titanic and then went to Orange hill for dinner, it was absolutely perfect! I had never been so happy in my life. I was now 16, and we were really starting to plan our wedding, we were planning on getting married right after I turned 18. This made grams very nervous and she continued to try and get me to stop seeing Richard. In June she found her chance.
A friend of Richards had gotten stranded in Los Vegas, Richard went to get him, he was only supposed to be gone a day and it ended up being three because the friend wasn't given his last paycheck on time and didn't trust the guy to mail it to him once back in California. On Monday when I got home from school there were police at my house, I ran in expecting to see Randy (whom I hadn't talked to since the ninja star incident) being arrested. Instead I saw grams sitting at the formal dinning table speaking with two officers, when they saw me they called me in and told me that grams called them because she didn't want Richard to be able to step foot on the property anymore, she had filed for a no trespass warrant and it was granted, from that moment Richard could be arrested if he came to my house again. Grams told me I was no longer aloud to see him and if she caught me sneaking around with him she would go to court for a restraining order. I was completely devastated.
I didn't speak to grams for months after that, we would literally pass each other in the house not speaking a word. During this time I was sneaking around to see Richard, thanks to a few friends who were more than willing to be my cover, I would go to there house and Richard would pick me up, or I would go spend the day at Knotts just to go into the park, wait 10 min and then meet Richard outside the gates and spend the day with him in a hotel room.
Also during this time Grams started to sleep a lot and not feel well, but me being a selfish teen didn't ask questions and didn't really care, I was still so angry with her for forbidding mine and Richards relationship I couldn't see past it.
Lee and I were fighting more and more because of my attitude, she made it clear that I was being a selfish brat but I didn't care, I thought she was being an unreasonable bitch, and told her so to her face. She called me over one day to tell me that grams was getting worse and she talked her into going into see the doctor, that I needed to get my head out of my ass and start being supportive and be there for her because her suspicions were correct I was going to be very sorry.....my head stayed up my ass.
Grams doctors appointment came and the doctor admitted her into the hospital, this hit me like a ton of bricks, the last time this happened we found out that pop had terminal cancer, I was terrified.....was grams going to die? had I wasted precious months with her because I was angry? months I could never get back. I sat in a corner of my room and cried harder than I had ever cried in my life, I was sorry for how I had been acting, I was scared and I felt guilty, a guilt that weighed heavy on my heart, so heavy it felt like I was being stabbed in the chest with a dull knife.
I just waited for the phone to ring, to hear Lees voice telling me it was all ok. I prayed, I prayed so hard begging God not to take Grams, that my heart just couldn't handle loosing her, I begged and begged till the phone rang......
hello? Starr its grandma (Lee) grams is done with her tests, they are releasing her tonight, we wont know anything for a few days. It would be really nice if you could have dinner ready for her......AND BE NICE!.....yes ma'am....that's all I could get myself to say.
Grams came home from the hospital and I had dinner waiting, I made fried chicken, mashed potatoes and corn on the cob, Grams picked at her food, not really eating much and went to bed. I washed the dishes and then went and crawled in bed with her, I laid with her the rest of the night holding her and crying and saying I'm sorry over and over again. she just held me back and said its ok baby doll, I know you love me. I could have said I was sorry two million times and the pain I felt in my chest wouldn't have gone away, all the sorry's in the world would not make up for the way I had treated grams over the last few months.
A few days later grams got the call from the doctor, she wanted to see her in her office as soon as possible, grams went right then, she knew it was more than likely not good news. Lee went with her, they were both sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me to get home from school, I walked in, saw them both there, sitting not saying a word, and I knew.................
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)