It felt like a lifetime for my doctor to come into my room, once he did, he didn't give me a chance to say anything, he immediately said "shes alive.....don't worry, shes alive" That gave me instant relief, as I still hadn't felt her move yet and an irrational pregnancy fear that the heart beat I was seeing on the monitor was mine not hers crept in.
Just as I was feeling better he said.....BUT
But, he says, we need to do some more tests because we don't yet know if there was any injury to her, we cant see everything but it will give us a better idea....insert panic here
over the next two days I had a series of tests done and the best that they could see she was fine, but I was told to be prepared JUST in case when she is born for there to be issues that couldn't be seen. I decided I wasn't going to worry, I was going to enjoy the rest of my pregnancy and not be stressed out about something I couldn't control.
When I was in the hospital I spoke to Kym once, she informed me that she or Tom wouldn't be paying for the hospital co pay and I better hope I'm released when its convenient for her to drive all the way into Memphis or I would be doing a lot of waiting around.
On day four I was released, I called Kym to tell her and she was NOT happy about it. I waited in the lobby for about 3 hours waiting for her. She came into the lobby and acted like she had been waiting for me and was being very short with me, standing there tapping her foot and loudly telling me to waddle faster.
my body was still so sore sleeping was hard, I was still cleaning the house because Kym wasn't and since Richard had to pay the hospital co pay in three payments Kym had decided not to pay for my groceries or let me eat dinner with the rest of them. Richard was sending me money for groceries (which Kym and Tom would eat) I had to give Kym gas money so I could go to the store with her, and I had to wait till Kym was done cooking and they were done eating before I could start making my food. Kym was nice enough to go back to the way it was after Richard paid the co pay.
Tom was pissed at me for wrecking the car so he got into my phone book, called Richard when I was at a doctors appointment and demanded for him to pay for the car. They went round and round until they finally agreed that Richard would pay the insurance co pay....even though the car was totaled and Tom was going to get a check for the whole damn thing. When I asked Richard why he would agree to that he told me Tom had threatened to make sure I wouldn't get to my doctors appointments or the hospital when the baby came and Richard said he didn't feel like he had a choice but to pay.
Tom went and got a new little car, a 1995 Mazda something or other, it was done basically so I could continue to play taxi to Dakota. I hadn't gotten behind the wheel of a car since the accident and was looking forward to having the freedom again. Dakota wanted to go to a friends house so I was woken up from a nap to take him, we got half way up the road when a car pulled next to me and I freaked out and started having a panic attack. I had to pull over. It took me 30 min to be able to finish the 5 mile drive to the friends house and then another 45 to drive home because every time a car came anywhere near me I had to pull over. Its been 15 years and I still cant drive do to the anxiety I get around other cars.
I told Kym I couldn't do the driving anymore and what had happened she just looked at me with this blank expression and said in a very cold and mater of fact way "you really are not good for anything besides being a cum dumpster are you"
I just went to my room, laid in bed and cried.
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
I am getting really good at surviving.....CHAPTER 20
I had made it to 30 weeks of my pregnancy with little changing in the process. I had managed to get my drivers license and was taking myself to my doctors appointments and playing taxi to my little brother.
I got up early the morning of October 20th for a doctors appointment, Kym said she wanted to go with me because she wanted to go to a few places in Memphis so I waited around for her. I wanted to get on the highway early because the truckers who traveled that highway drove like ass holes, I had learned the earlier you got on the smother the drive was. Kym ended up making me leave late and she didn't even end up going. I had just got on the main stretch of the highway when I was basically surrounded by big rigs.....and I'm in my little Geo Metro (it was white), about 20 min into it the trucker behind me wanted to pass me but I had no where to pull over to let him so he decided he would take matters into his own hands and ran me off the road, I was going 55mph and was ran straight into a ditch that separated the highways. I hit a wall of dirt which jolted my seat forward and there I was with the emergency cell phone in the glove compartment and my very large pregnant belly stuck UNDER the steering wheel. Thankfully someone pulled over and called 911, the fire department had to use the jaws of life to cut me out. I had a gash on my left knee, I had two fingers broken on my left hand and one on my right hand, a gash on my forehead and a broken nose.....there was no air bag. I was rushed to the emergency room in the back of an ambulance, I don't remember a whole lot of the accident because it all happened so fast and the only thing I was thinking of was my daughter (ultrasound had confirmed it when I was 22 weeks along) I was in and out and remember waking up in a hospital room hooked up to all sorts of monitors and an iv, my entire body was sore and I could see bruises all over my legs and arms. I frantically pulled back the covers to see my still large belly, I shook it praying to make my baby girl move and I felt nothing, I began to cry and looked for the nurse call button and that's when I saw it, the monitor that was hooked up to my belly...then realized there were straps around me and two paddle looking things ON my belly, when I looked closer I could see a heart beat on the monitor screen and began to calm down a little. I found the nurse call button and called a nurse in, she didn't get through the door before I said "is my baby alive"? she gave me a blank look and said yes but the doctor wants to talk to you, Ill call him, and she left................
I got up early the morning of October 20th for a doctors appointment, Kym said she wanted to go with me because she wanted to go to a few places in Memphis so I waited around for her. I wanted to get on the highway early because the truckers who traveled that highway drove like ass holes, I had learned the earlier you got on the smother the drive was. Kym ended up making me leave late and she didn't even end up going. I had just got on the main stretch of the highway when I was basically surrounded by big rigs.....and I'm in my little Geo Metro (it was white), about 20 min into it the trucker behind me wanted to pass me but I had no where to pull over to let him so he decided he would take matters into his own hands and ran me off the road, I was going 55mph and was ran straight into a ditch that separated the highways. I hit a wall of dirt which jolted my seat forward and there I was with the emergency cell phone in the glove compartment and my very large pregnant belly stuck UNDER the steering wheel. Thankfully someone pulled over and called 911, the fire department had to use the jaws of life to cut me out. I had a gash on my left knee, I had two fingers broken on my left hand and one on my right hand, a gash on my forehead and a broken nose.....there was no air bag. I was rushed to the emergency room in the back of an ambulance, I don't remember a whole lot of the accident because it all happened so fast and the only thing I was thinking of was my daughter (ultrasound had confirmed it when I was 22 weeks along) I was in and out and remember waking up in a hospital room hooked up to all sorts of monitors and an iv, my entire body was sore and I could see bruises all over my legs and arms. I frantically pulled back the covers to see my still large belly, I shook it praying to make my baby girl move and I felt nothing, I began to cry and looked for the nurse call button and that's when I saw it, the monitor that was hooked up to my belly...then realized there were straps around me and two paddle looking things ON my belly, when I looked closer I could see a heart beat on the monitor screen and began to calm down a little. I found the nurse call button and called a nurse in, she didn't get through the door before I said "is my baby alive"? she gave me a blank look and said yes but the doctor wants to talk to you, Ill call him, and she left................
Saturday, September 13, 2014
I must have been a really bad person in a past life......Chapter 19
A month had passed since I had moved in with Kym, things had calmed down a little, it was as if I wasn't there, and I was perfectly okay with that. After hounding Kym to let me make a doctors appointment she finally started the process. Tom had gotten me on his medical insurance and Richard was paying for my portion of it, as well as my co pays, I later found out Kym had told him my co pays were $35 when they were only $15, and she was keeping the rest. I finally saw my doctor when I was close to 15 weeks along. Everything looked good, babies heart beat was strong, my blood pressure was good, BUT I was considered high risk because of my age so my doctor wanted to see me twice a month for now.
Kym took every opportunity to tell me what an inconvenience I was being to her, driving me into Memphis so often was a hassle, so I decided I needed to get a drivers license so I wouldn't have to rely on her anymore. Richard sent me the money to go to drivers school, I would ride in to town with Tom and wait at the school for an hour before anyone got there, then wait for about 3 hours after it was over waiting on Tom to pick me up. I was only able to go for about half the class because my morning sickness got terrible and I was basically living in the bathroom (I found out that it was all stressed induced, at this time my blood pressure also became a concern to my doctor but we got it under control fairly quickly). I tried going but was missing most of the class so the instructor suggested non to politely that I come back when I was more able to pay attention....so I quit...and I was still having to rely on Kym to get me to and from my doctors appointments.
I didn't leave the house unless it was for doctors appointments, I mostly stayed in my room and listened to the radio, counting down the days till I could get back to Richard and for twenty minutes every night I got to talk to him on the phone.
One day, I was in the living room watching tv, Kym came out of her room and decided she was going to be nice to me. She started talking to me about baby names. I told her that Richard and I hadn't really talked names yet, she said her and I should knock a few around just so I had an idea of what I liked. I figured it couldn't hurt anything. Kym brought up the name Aurora for a girl, I kinda liked it so I told her I would run it passed Richard and see what he thought. That night when Richard and I talked I asked him what he thought about it and he said it wasn't a name he really liked so I said okay, and that was that. The next day Kym asked me if I had talked to Richard about the name and I said yes but he didn't really like it so we were going to keep looking for a girls name, but we had decided on a boys name, we Liked Chandler Scott. Kym went from normal to psycho in 1.2 seconds flat. She started screaming at me and said I was a terrible daughter, that I had told her that I was going to name the baby Aurora if it was a girl and now I'm going back on it. Somehow Kym had convinced herself that I was definitely going to name the baby Aurora.
Kym didn't talk to me for almost a month after that, when she did talk to me again it was to give her an alibi...yes you read that correctly.....an alibi. She was apparently sneaking out in the middle of the night and seeing some man she had met at the grocery store, and by seeing I mean sleeping with. Apparently that morning she had gotten home a little too late and Tom caught her coming in the house, she told him late the night before I had said I wanted orange juice so she went into town early that morning to get me oj, but got to the store and realized that she had forgotten her wallet. She begged me to tell Tom that I had asked for the orange juice because she just knew he was going to ask me about it when he got home that night. I was SO tempted to tell him the truth, that I didn't ask for orange juice and I had no idea why Kym was out when she was, but I knew what would happen if I didn't lie for her, Tom would get violent with her, and maybe even my little brother, because he was getting in the middle of there fights more and more, trying to defend Kym, I knew it was only a matter of time before Tom started in on Dakota, and who knew if and when he would turn on me too, so....I lied and told Tom that evening when he asked me about it, that I had in fact told Kym I wanted orange juice.
Kym knew why I lied for her, she knew it wasn't for her, but for Dakota and I. Kym now used this to her advantage, and started using me as an alibi more often and would just let me know what I needed to say in case I was questioned.
I was becoming not just uncomfortable in this place, but also becoming scared, I didn't know what was going to happen, but I knew it wouldn't be anything good. I knew it was only going to be a matter of time before the lid would be blown clean off this whole thing and I prayed I wouldn't be around for it when it did.
Kym took every opportunity to tell me what an inconvenience I was being to her, driving me into Memphis so often was a hassle, so I decided I needed to get a drivers license so I wouldn't have to rely on her anymore. Richard sent me the money to go to drivers school, I would ride in to town with Tom and wait at the school for an hour before anyone got there, then wait for about 3 hours after it was over waiting on Tom to pick me up. I was only able to go for about half the class because my morning sickness got terrible and I was basically living in the bathroom (I found out that it was all stressed induced, at this time my blood pressure also became a concern to my doctor but we got it under control fairly quickly). I tried going but was missing most of the class so the instructor suggested non to politely that I come back when I was more able to pay attention....so I quit...and I was still having to rely on Kym to get me to and from my doctors appointments.
I didn't leave the house unless it was for doctors appointments, I mostly stayed in my room and listened to the radio, counting down the days till I could get back to Richard and for twenty minutes every night I got to talk to him on the phone.
One day, I was in the living room watching tv, Kym came out of her room and decided she was going to be nice to me. She started talking to me about baby names. I told her that Richard and I hadn't really talked names yet, she said her and I should knock a few around just so I had an idea of what I liked. I figured it couldn't hurt anything. Kym brought up the name Aurora for a girl, I kinda liked it so I told her I would run it passed Richard and see what he thought. That night when Richard and I talked I asked him what he thought about it and he said it wasn't a name he really liked so I said okay, and that was that. The next day Kym asked me if I had talked to Richard about the name and I said yes but he didn't really like it so we were going to keep looking for a girls name, but we had decided on a boys name, we Liked Chandler Scott. Kym went from normal to psycho in 1.2 seconds flat. She started screaming at me and said I was a terrible daughter, that I had told her that I was going to name the baby Aurora if it was a girl and now I'm going back on it. Somehow Kym had convinced herself that I was definitely going to name the baby Aurora.
Kym didn't talk to me for almost a month after that, when she did talk to me again it was to give her an alibi...yes you read that correctly.....an alibi. She was apparently sneaking out in the middle of the night and seeing some man she had met at the grocery store, and by seeing I mean sleeping with. Apparently that morning she had gotten home a little too late and Tom caught her coming in the house, she told him late the night before I had said I wanted orange juice so she went into town early that morning to get me oj, but got to the store and realized that she had forgotten her wallet. She begged me to tell Tom that I had asked for the orange juice because she just knew he was going to ask me about it when he got home that night. I was SO tempted to tell him the truth, that I didn't ask for orange juice and I had no idea why Kym was out when she was, but I knew what would happen if I didn't lie for her, Tom would get violent with her, and maybe even my little brother, because he was getting in the middle of there fights more and more, trying to defend Kym, I knew it was only a matter of time before Tom started in on Dakota, and who knew if and when he would turn on me too, so....I lied and told Tom that evening when he asked me about it, that I had in fact told Kym I wanted orange juice.
Kym knew why I lied for her, she knew it wasn't for her, but for Dakota and I. Kym now used this to her advantage, and started using me as an alibi more often and would just let me know what I needed to say in case I was questioned.
I was becoming not just uncomfortable in this place, but also becoming scared, I didn't know what was going to happen, but I knew it wouldn't be anything good. I knew it was only going to be a matter of time before the lid would be blown clean off this whole thing and I prayed I wouldn't be around for it when it did.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
It can't get any worse.....right? chapter 18
The next morning I was woken up by the dogs barking at something, we had nothing but woods all behind us and to the side of us....really all there were, were woods and a few trailers. I looked at the clock that was sitting on the floor next to my....bed...and it said 6:20am......sigh. I laid there for a few minutes and tried to go back to sleep but the damn dogs wouldn't shut up so I cut my losses and got up. My brother had already left for school as it was a two hour bus ride there and back, my step dad was already gone to work and I expected to see Kym in the living room but she was still asleep. I made myself some scrambled eggs for breakfast and made a fresh pot of coffee, after I was done eating I decided to clean the bathroom.
I got under the sink to find some cleaning supplies and that's when I saw them.....the roaches.....I screamed and jumped back...those little satin worshipers were EVERY WHERE under there, I grabbed a plastic bag off the counter and stuck my hand in it so I could get the spray bottle of bleach and the scrubby pads that were down there, the whole time freaking out, I had NEVER been that close to a roach before and it was most definitely something I could have gone my entire life without. After doing a complete heeby jeeby dance I went into the bathroom and started cleaning, it took me TWO HOURS of soaking and scrubbing and soaking and scrubbing to get it clean....but it was clean. I left the bottle of cleaner on the counter in the bathroom, I just couldn't bring myself to put them back under the kitchen sink right then. I took a shower and got dressed, it was close to 10:30 by this time and Kym still wasn't awake. I sat in the living room and watched TV for a while and I was getting hungry, I looked at the time, it was approaching noon, so I got up and made myself a sandwich. Kym got up around 1pm and was in a foul mood (seriously how can someone sleep till 1 in the afternoon and NOT be happy?) she was throwing shit around the kitchen and mumbling something to herself, I just ignored her. Finally she said are you the dumb shit that left my bathroom smelling like bleach? I said if by dumb shit you mean the person who cleaned your bathroom for you because it was nasty then yup that was me, your welcome. She proceeded to scream at me so I got up and walked into my room closing the door behind me. I sat in my room and cried for hours it felt like. I wanted to go home, but I didn't have a home anymore, I didn't have a family who loved me anymore....I had Kym. My brother came and knocked on the door and told me Kym said I needed to get ready, my step dad had called and said he wanted to take us all out for dinner tonight to celebrate me being there....yeah...whatever. I got dressed and put my make up on, straightened my hair and waited.....and waited and waited and waited. Kym, Dakota and I were all sitting in the living room waiting for my step dad to get home, he was already two hours late. Dakota went to bed around 11 and I went to lay down shortly after that (mind you Kym didn't bother cooking anything once it was clear we were definitely not going out that night, so Dakota and I had bologna sandwiches) I must have dozed off because I woke up to the loudest screaming I had ever heard before. I opened my door and stood in the doorway, I could see part of the living room from there and could hear the argument between Kym and my step dad, I glanced back at my clock and it read 2:02am. Apparently my step dad had just gotten home and Kym had stayed up waiting for him, he was drunk and making excuses why he was so late and we would all go out to dinner tomorrow night, Kym said don't you mean tonight you moronic dickhead, its after 2 am, IT IS TOMORROW!!! Apparently he didn't like that too much because the next thing I know I see Kym flying across the living room into the wall. Tom walked by me to his room and just said you didn't see or hear anything, besides no one will believe a teen whore anyways. I went to the living room to make sure Kym was okay and she pulled away from me, she said If you hadn't of come here this would have never happened. I just stood over her in disbelief and told her I didn't want to be here, that I wanted to go home....she then told me something I already knew.....YOU DONT HAVE A HOME
I had been here for two days and I wanted to leave so bad it hurt...it actually physically hurt.
I got under the sink to find some cleaning supplies and that's when I saw them.....the roaches.....I screamed and jumped back...those little satin worshipers were EVERY WHERE under there, I grabbed a plastic bag off the counter and stuck my hand in it so I could get the spray bottle of bleach and the scrubby pads that were down there, the whole time freaking out, I had NEVER been that close to a roach before and it was most definitely something I could have gone my entire life without. After doing a complete heeby jeeby dance I went into the bathroom and started cleaning, it took me TWO HOURS of soaking and scrubbing and soaking and scrubbing to get it clean....but it was clean. I left the bottle of cleaner on the counter in the bathroom, I just couldn't bring myself to put them back under the kitchen sink right then. I took a shower and got dressed, it was close to 10:30 by this time and Kym still wasn't awake. I sat in the living room and watched TV for a while and I was getting hungry, I looked at the time, it was approaching noon, so I got up and made myself a sandwich. Kym got up around 1pm and was in a foul mood (seriously how can someone sleep till 1 in the afternoon and NOT be happy?) she was throwing shit around the kitchen and mumbling something to herself, I just ignored her. Finally she said are you the dumb shit that left my bathroom smelling like bleach? I said if by dumb shit you mean the person who cleaned your bathroom for you because it was nasty then yup that was me, your welcome. She proceeded to scream at me so I got up and walked into my room closing the door behind me. I sat in my room and cried for hours it felt like. I wanted to go home, but I didn't have a home anymore, I didn't have a family who loved me anymore....I had Kym. My brother came and knocked on the door and told me Kym said I needed to get ready, my step dad had called and said he wanted to take us all out for dinner tonight to celebrate me being there....yeah...whatever. I got dressed and put my make up on, straightened my hair and waited.....and waited and waited and waited. Kym, Dakota and I were all sitting in the living room waiting for my step dad to get home, he was already two hours late. Dakota went to bed around 11 and I went to lay down shortly after that (mind you Kym didn't bother cooking anything once it was clear we were definitely not going out that night, so Dakota and I had bologna sandwiches) I must have dozed off because I woke up to the loudest screaming I had ever heard before. I opened my door and stood in the doorway, I could see part of the living room from there and could hear the argument between Kym and my step dad, I glanced back at my clock and it read 2:02am. Apparently my step dad had just gotten home and Kym had stayed up waiting for him, he was drunk and making excuses why he was so late and we would all go out to dinner tomorrow night, Kym said don't you mean tonight you moronic dickhead, its after 2 am, IT IS TOMORROW!!! Apparently he didn't like that too much because the next thing I know I see Kym flying across the living room into the wall. Tom walked by me to his room and just said you didn't see or hear anything, besides no one will believe a teen whore anyways. I went to the living room to make sure Kym was okay and she pulled away from me, she said If you hadn't of come here this would have never happened. I just stood over her in disbelief and told her I didn't want to be here, that I wanted to go home....she then told me something I already knew.....YOU DONT HAVE A HOME
I had been here for two days and I wanted to leave so bad it hurt...it actually physically hurt.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
There is a hell and I lived in it....chapter 17
My plane landed and I started shaking, what was I going to say to this woman that I didn't know? This woman that I had so much anger for, for so many different reasons. I just sat there waiting till the last possible moment to get off the plane, I couldn't wait any longer so I stood up took a deep breath and walked.
I stood there looking for Kym and finally spotted her....Bleach blonde hair, extremely short jean shorts, a tie dyed spaghetti strap shirt and these clog high heal things....she hadn't changed a bit.
She saw me and ran over to me gushing....my baby girl....ohh my God I missed you...look at you, you have gotten so big!!! I didn't say anything. We walked in silence to get my luggage and sat in silence the entire drive to her house. after we had gotten out of Memphis and into Mississippi I noticed how rural everything was getting, when she said we were about 20 min away from her house I started crying, THERE WERE COWS IN PEOPLES FRONT YARDS!!!!! but the homes looked nice so at least there was that.....or maybe not. The closer we got the less houses and more trailers I saw, we pulled into this long gravel driveway and at the end behind a wall of trees was a very old, very dirty trailer that looked like it was falling apart.....I didn't want to get out of the truck, just looking at it made me feel like I needed a shower. I knew I was going to have to get out at some point so I did, Kym said...watch out for that third step, its breaking, your step father was supposed to fix it but hasn't gotten to it yet.......GREAT!
I walk into the trailer and the place smelled like dirty wet dog....a second later I saw why....three dogs came running out of the bedroom and jumped all over Kym and then tried to jump on me, I wasn't having any of that, I yelled NO! Kym got angry and said I wasn't to yell at the dogs, I told her she was gonna have to just deal with it because I wasn't allowing dogs to jump all over me, and if it was an issue she could just sign the papers for Richard and I to get married and I could be on the next plane back to California.....she shut up. She showed me to my room....it was soooo small, I had an air mattress on the floor and a very small closet and a small window that was up toward the ceiling that you couldn't see out of....it was like a jail cell. Kym said after I was settled I could come help her with dinner. I unpacked my two suitcases and my closet was FULL....what the hell was I going to do with the rest of my clothes when they got there? Where was all my stuff going to go? WHERE WAS I GOING TO PUT THE BABY WHEN IT CAME? I sat there and cried for another few minutes then composed myself and walked into the kitchen. Kym then told me about a little bug problem they were having....apparently the entire trailer was infested with ROACHES! yes you read that correctly....roaches!!! *BARF* She said I had to sleep with cotton balls in my ears to make sure they didn't crawl in and I had to keep my room spotless.....no problem, I would just hold a rag in my hand and spin...job done. Kym said that my step dad was going to have the problem handled before the baby got here....I just kept thinking...If I can figure out a way I WONT BE HERE when the baby gets here.
After dinner I had decided to take a shower and go to bed, I was exhausted. I went into the bathroom and it was a gross mess, the trash can was over flowing, the toilet had something growing in the bottom of it and the shower/tub was thick with hard water build up and soap scum and the calking was mildewed. No shower for me that night. I went to bed...with cotton balls in my ears.....and cried myself to sleep...I was cretin this wouldn't be the last night I did so.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
It all chages in an instant chapter 16
I sit there staring at the test in disbelief, the very visible positive sign staring back at me. How did Grams know? Did Pop really tell her I was pregnant? Is that even possible? Possible or not, the fact was I was pregnant. I sat there a few more minutes and then snapped myself out of it, I had to get back home, Lee would be looking for me, we had another funeral to plan.
Lee pulls up in the car next to me as I'm walking down our street, I apologized for going MIA and told her I had to get some fresh air. We went to the funeral home where the faces were getting all too familiar, and started to make Grams arrangements. More than once I got lost in thought about what Grams had said about not waiting to see a doctor, I knew in order to do that I was going to have to tell Lee about the baby, but I just couldn't think about that now. Lee fought me on every decision that was made about Grams funeral, she picked out this awful casket that was just flat out gaudy and over adorned, nothing like Grams at all. I saw this incredibly beautiful mahogany casket with white satin lining and an embroidered pink rose on the inside, Grams loved roses, the simplicity of it Grams would have found beautiful, it was the perfect resting place for her. I refused to budge, I would be dammed if Lee made this funeral into something other than what Grams would have been proud of. When picking the music that was to be played Lee again was picking things SHE liked, not thinking of Grams at all, and again I spoke up. Lean on me would be played at the start of the service, it was Grams favorite song, Amazing Grace would be played after her eulogy and then I would sing In the Arms of the Angel, when Grams was being carried out the hymn His eye on the sparrow would be played. Lee brought this old navy suit for Grams to wear, a suit Grams hadn't worn in years, I thought for sure she would have gotten Grams white and royal blue dress that she loved, as we were leaving I told the man who was taking care of the arrangements that I would be back in an hour with the dress Grams was to wear, I had a friends mom take me back up to the funeral home and switched them out.
That evening I was sitting in my room trying to figure out how I was going to tell Lee about the baby and I decided to wait till after the funeral. I called Richard and told him to meet me in my back yard at 1am, that I needed to talk to him. When he got to my house I was sitting on the back porch steps, he walked up to me, and said Starr just get it over with.....he thought I was going to break up with him. I stood up and told him I was pregnant, and that Grams knew I was pregnant and that he and I were still seeing each other but that I didn't want Lee to know for now, but that once I told her about the baby he was going to start coming around again like a normal person because there would be a baby involved and she wasn't going to stop my child's father from being around. We talked for a while about what we were going to do, and in the end decided to keep our plans the way we had them, we would get married right after I turned 18 since I estimated I would have the baby shortly before that and there would be no point in rocking that particular boat.
Three days later was the funeral, it was beautiful and a fantastic tribute to Grams life. People stood and told very heart warming stories about her, and I told a few stories she had told to me about when she was younger. After the initial service there was the grave side service and while the family were all standing there accepting condolences I passed out, when I came to I was in the back of one of Lees friends cars and there were about 20 people standing around just staring at me, I must have turned 100 shades of red. I got up and went to Lees car and we went home to prepare for all of the guests that would be arriving. I mostly stayed in my room, I was in no mood to socialize.
That Monday I decided to go back to school, I needed to be around my friends, it was a very long and exhausting day but being around people who cared about me and cared about Grams made me feel a bit better. I was preparing to walk home and saw Lee and her sister, my Aunt, pull up and told me they were going to take me to lunch. We got to the restaurant and before we even ordered Lee looked at me and said.....so how long have you been knocked up? I was caught completely off guard, how did she know???? I just sat there with a blank look on my face. Lee said she had her suspicions before that but when I passed out at the funeral she was almost positive, then when my reaction to her question was what it was, it was confirmed. To my surprise, Lee said nothing of terminating the pregnancy, she said she would make me a doctors appointment and asked me who the father was, I told her Richard was the father and she walked out of the restaurant. Lee didn't talk to me for days, when my doctors appointment came she took me and dropped me off and left. My pregnancy was confirmed and I was given the due date of December 5th 1999.
That evening Lee called me over to her house and there she sat with my dads brother and his wife. They had been talking about what to do with me, They decided that none of them wanted to deal with me pregnant so they were sending me to Kym's house in Mississippi.......Kym!! the woman who abandoned me on the front porch of Grams and Pops, Kym the one who I hadn't seen or spoken to in YEARS. I stormed out of the house, went home and directly into Randy's apartment, I told him if he EVER loved me, if I had been important to him at all he would help Richard and I get married before I turned 18 so I wouldn't have to go to Mississippi. To my surprise the next morning Randy SOBER came to me and told me he had called Grams and Pops lawyer and they were going to file a petition for Richard and I to get married. I figured I should probably tell Richard, he was thrilled!! the next day Randy went to the lawyers office, he was gone for hours and I was on pins and needles waiting for him to get home. The cab pulled up in the driveway and I ran outside to hear what had happened. Randy told me once Grams and Pop were both gone custody automatically went to joint between he and Kym, the lawyer called Kym to ask if she would sign the petition for Richard and I to get married and she refused, flat out refused, Randy's hands were tied.
Lee came over that night with boxes and told me to start packing, I was on a plain in less than 14 days to Kym's. I was terrified. I called Richard and told him that the petition couldn't be filed because Kym wouldn't sign it, and I was leaving in less than two weeks. He snuck over that night and we talked about running away together, just up and diapering, I was ready, I would pack a bag, he would go home and pack a bag and we would be gone.....then reality sank in that if (and more than likely would be) we were caught he would go to jail, I would still end up at Kym's and our baby would be worse off. We realized we were going to be separated for the entirety of my pregnancy, he was going to miss all of it, he was going to miss the birth and the first month of babies life, it was something we would deal with, but I was scared we couldn't survive it. The time went by fast, Richard snuck over every night and spent as much time together as we could but it wasn't enough. The morning of my flight I was hysterical, I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't stop shaking, I couldn't eat. Lee was cold, not showing any emotion at all, she took me to the terminal and we sat there in silence. Finally it was time to bored, I thought for sure she would give me a hug good buy but she just stood up and left without saying a word to me. I got on the plain alone and sat in the seat preparing for take off, the stewardess had to come and tell me to put my seatbelt on because my mind was wondering and I was imagining what my life was going to be like now. The plain took off and there I was on my way to live with Kym.
Lee pulls up in the car next to me as I'm walking down our street, I apologized for going MIA and told her I had to get some fresh air. We went to the funeral home where the faces were getting all too familiar, and started to make Grams arrangements. More than once I got lost in thought about what Grams had said about not waiting to see a doctor, I knew in order to do that I was going to have to tell Lee about the baby, but I just couldn't think about that now. Lee fought me on every decision that was made about Grams funeral, she picked out this awful casket that was just flat out gaudy and over adorned, nothing like Grams at all. I saw this incredibly beautiful mahogany casket with white satin lining and an embroidered pink rose on the inside, Grams loved roses, the simplicity of it Grams would have found beautiful, it was the perfect resting place for her. I refused to budge, I would be dammed if Lee made this funeral into something other than what Grams would have been proud of. When picking the music that was to be played Lee again was picking things SHE liked, not thinking of Grams at all, and again I spoke up. Lean on me would be played at the start of the service, it was Grams favorite song, Amazing Grace would be played after her eulogy and then I would sing In the Arms of the Angel, when Grams was being carried out the hymn His eye on the sparrow would be played. Lee brought this old navy suit for Grams to wear, a suit Grams hadn't worn in years, I thought for sure she would have gotten Grams white and royal blue dress that she loved, as we were leaving I told the man who was taking care of the arrangements that I would be back in an hour with the dress Grams was to wear, I had a friends mom take me back up to the funeral home and switched them out.
That evening I was sitting in my room trying to figure out how I was going to tell Lee about the baby and I decided to wait till after the funeral. I called Richard and told him to meet me in my back yard at 1am, that I needed to talk to him. When he got to my house I was sitting on the back porch steps, he walked up to me, and said Starr just get it over with.....he thought I was going to break up with him. I stood up and told him I was pregnant, and that Grams knew I was pregnant and that he and I were still seeing each other but that I didn't want Lee to know for now, but that once I told her about the baby he was going to start coming around again like a normal person because there would be a baby involved and she wasn't going to stop my child's father from being around. We talked for a while about what we were going to do, and in the end decided to keep our plans the way we had them, we would get married right after I turned 18 since I estimated I would have the baby shortly before that and there would be no point in rocking that particular boat.
Three days later was the funeral, it was beautiful and a fantastic tribute to Grams life. People stood and told very heart warming stories about her, and I told a few stories she had told to me about when she was younger. After the initial service there was the grave side service and while the family were all standing there accepting condolences I passed out, when I came to I was in the back of one of Lees friends cars and there were about 20 people standing around just staring at me, I must have turned 100 shades of red. I got up and went to Lees car and we went home to prepare for all of the guests that would be arriving. I mostly stayed in my room, I was in no mood to socialize.
That Monday I decided to go back to school, I needed to be around my friends, it was a very long and exhausting day but being around people who cared about me and cared about Grams made me feel a bit better. I was preparing to walk home and saw Lee and her sister, my Aunt, pull up and told me they were going to take me to lunch. We got to the restaurant and before we even ordered Lee looked at me and said.....so how long have you been knocked up? I was caught completely off guard, how did she know???? I just sat there with a blank look on my face. Lee said she had her suspicions before that but when I passed out at the funeral she was almost positive, then when my reaction to her question was what it was, it was confirmed. To my surprise, Lee said nothing of terminating the pregnancy, she said she would make me a doctors appointment and asked me who the father was, I told her Richard was the father and she walked out of the restaurant. Lee didn't talk to me for days, when my doctors appointment came she took me and dropped me off and left. My pregnancy was confirmed and I was given the due date of December 5th 1999.
That evening Lee called me over to her house and there she sat with my dads brother and his wife. They had been talking about what to do with me, They decided that none of them wanted to deal with me pregnant so they were sending me to Kym's house in Mississippi.......Kym!! the woman who abandoned me on the front porch of Grams and Pops, Kym the one who I hadn't seen or spoken to in YEARS. I stormed out of the house, went home and directly into Randy's apartment, I told him if he EVER loved me, if I had been important to him at all he would help Richard and I get married before I turned 18 so I wouldn't have to go to Mississippi. To my surprise the next morning Randy SOBER came to me and told me he had called Grams and Pops lawyer and they were going to file a petition for Richard and I to get married. I figured I should probably tell Richard, he was thrilled!! the next day Randy went to the lawyers office, he was gone for hours and I was on pins and needles waiting for him to get home. The cab pulled up in the driveway and I ran outside to hear what had happened. Randy told me once Grams and Pop were both gone custody automatically went to joint between he and Kym, the lawyer called Kym to ask if she would sign the petition for Richard and I to get married and she refused, flat out refused, Randy's hands were tied.
Lee came over that night with boxes and told me to start packing, I was on a plain in less than 14 days to Kym's. I was terrified. I called Richard and told him that the petition couldn't be filed because Kym wouldn't sign it, and I was leaving in less than two weeks. He snuck over that night and we talked about running away together, just up and diapering, I was ready, I would pack a bag, he would go home and pack a bag and we would be gone.....then reality sank in that if (and more than likely would be) we were caught he would go to jail, I would still end up at Kym's and our baby would be worse off. We realized we were going to be separated for the entirety of my pregnancy, he was going to miss all of it, he was going to miss the birth and the first month of babies life, it was something we would deal with, but I was scared we couldn't survive it. The time went by fast, Richard snuck over every night and spent as much time together as we could but it wasn't enough. The morning of my flight I was hysterical, I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't stop shaking, I couldn't eat. Lee was cold, not showing any emotion at all, she took me to the terminal and we sat there in silence. Finally it was time to bored, I thought for sure she would give me a hug good buy but she just stood up and left without saying a word to me. I got on the plain alone and sat in the seat preparing for take off, the stewardess had to come and tell me to put my seatbelt on because my mind was wondering and I was imagining what my life was going to be like now. The plain took off and there I was on my way to live with Kym.
Monday, June 9, 2014
How many times can a heart break before it can't be put back together again? chapter 15
I stood there in the kitchen wanting to move closer to the table were Grams and Lee sat but I couldn't make myself move. Grams said Starr baby come sit here next to me, we need to talk to you. Fighting back the tears I slowly made my way to the table and sat down, Grams took my hand and started to cry.
"Starr baby, I went to see the doctor today to get my results from those tests" (Grams never called me Starr baby, that was pops thing, the couple times she had it was never followed by anything happy)
"what did she say Grams?"
"well sweetie, it looks like I have lung cancer, its pretty advanced but the dr thinks we can kick it with chemo"
"and you are doing the chemo right?........RIGHT??????"
"well that's what grandma and I were sitting here talking about, and yes, I think I am"
"of course you are Grams, you have to fight this! I need you!!!"
Grams was going to need round the clock care but I didn't care, I was going to do whatever I had to do to make sure she survived this, I couldn't even think about what would happen if she didn't, every time I tried to prepare myself for the worst case scenario it felt like I was kicked in the chest with a pair of cleats.
Just a few short days later Grams started chemo, she was sick and loosing her hair, she was week and had zero appetite. I would sit in bed with her and feed her beef and chicken broth just so she had something in her stomach.
November, December, January all passed and the chemo wasn't doing anything but making her sick, Grams made the decision to stop treatment and live what little time she had left without being so sick and tired all the time. Part of me understood her decision, and part of me didn't, I knew this meant that she was going to die, and I didn't know how much time I had left with her. I spent every waking moment with her, I didn't go to school, I didn't see friends unless they came to the house and even then it wasn't for long.
Grams was a fighter, she fought cancer tooth and nail, she gave it everything she had but in the end cancer won, on April 15th 1999 at 7:48am Grams passed. I was with her, laying in bed snuggling, we were talking and she said, "Starr, I know you are seeing Richard, Pop told me" I said "what do you mean Pop told you?" "That's not important right now sweet heart, just listen, I know you are still seeing Richard, and its ok, he loves you and you love him, and when I'm gone, you are going to need him more than ever, and please don't wait too long to see a doctor, its important" I just said "ok Grams, I love you, you know that?" "I do, and I love you too baby"
She laid her head on my shoulder, squeezed my hand, and was gone.
I laid with her for a few minutes just me and her and cried, holding her and telling her how much I loved her and thanking her for being an amazing mother to me. I finally got up and called Lee and 911, the paramedics came and took her away and I felt so empty, my heart was shattered and there was no putting it back together this time.
Lee was at home making the appointment with the funeral home to make the arrangements, and I was at home on the phone with Richard completely breaking down. I told him the last things Grams had said to me, when I repeated it, there was a little voice inside my head that told me to go take a test........why else would Grams tell me to see a doctor?
I told Richard I would have to call him back, I walked up the street to the drug store and then into the Carls Jr next door, and took the test in the bathroom. I sat there, dazing off into space, I have no idea how much time went by, but when I finally looked at the test.............
"Starr baby, I went to see the doctor today to get my results from those tests" (Grams never called me Starr baby, that was pops thing, the couple times she had it was never followed by anything happy)
"what did she say Grams?"
"well sweetie, it looks like I have lung cancer, its pretty advanced but the dr thinks we can kick it with chemo"
"and you are doing the chemo right?........RIGHT??????"
"well that's what grandma and I were sitting here talking about, and yes, I think I am"
"of course you are Grams, you have to fight this! I need you!!!"
Grams was going to need round the clock care but I didn't care, I was going to do whatever I had to do to make sure she survived this, I couldn't even think about what would happen if she didn't, every time I tried to prepare myself for the worst case scenario it felt like I was kicked in the chest with a pair of cleats.
Just a few short days later Grams started chemo, she was sick and loosing her hair, she was week and had zero appetite. I would sit in bed with her and feed her beef and chicken broth just so she had something in her stomach.
November, December, January all passed and the chemo wasn't doing anything but making her sick, Grams made the decision to stop treatment and live what little time she had left without being so sick and tired all the time. Part of me understood her decision, and part of me didn't, I knew this meant that she was going to die, and I didn't know how much time I had left with her. I spent every waking moment with her, I didn't go to school, I didn't see friends unless they came to the house and even then it wasn't for long.
Grams was a fighter, she fought cancer tooth and nail, she gave it everything she had but in the end cancer won, on April 15th 1999 at 7:48am Grams passed. I was with her, laying in bed snuggling, we were talking and she said, "Starr, I know you are seeing Richard, Pop told me" I said "what do you mean Pop told you?" "That's not important right now sweet heart, just listen, I know you are still seeing Richard, and its ok, he loves you and you love him, and when I'm gone, you are going to need him more than ever, and please don't wait too long to see a doctor, its important" I just said "ok Grams, I love you, you know that?" "I do, and I love you too baby"
She laid her head on my shoulder, squeezed my hand, and was gone.
I laid with her for a few minutes just me and her and cried, holding her and telling her how much I loved her and thanking her for being an amazing mother to me. I finally got up and called Lee and 911, the paramedics came and took her away and I felt so empty, my heart was shattered and there was no putting it back together this time.
Lee was at home making the appointment with the funeral home to make the arrangements, and I was at home on the phone with Richard completely breaking down. I told him the last things Grams had said to me, when I repeated it, there was a little voice inside my head that told me to go take a test........why else would Grams tell me to see a doctor?
I told Richard I would have to call him back, I walked up the street to the drug store and then into the Carls Jr next door, and took the test in the bathroom. I sat there, dazing off into space, I have no idea how much time went by, but when I finally looked at the test.............
Sunday, June 1, 2014
All good things must come to an end chapter 14
The next seven months flew by, Richard and I were getting ready to celebrate our one year anniversary, I was so excited, we were planning on seeing a movie and then going to dinner. I went out and got a new outfit for our date and was combing magazines looking for a new hairstyle.
May 8th 1998 came and I was getting ready for our date out, we went to see Titanic and then went to Orange hill for dinner, it was absolutely perfect! I had never been so happy in my life. I was now 16, and we were really starting to plan our wedding, we were planning on getting married right after I turned 18. This made grams very nervous and she continued to try and get me to stop seeing Richard. In June she found her chance.
A friend of Richards had gotten stranded in Los Vegas, Richard went to get him, he was only supposed to be gone a day and it ended up being three because the friend wasn't given his last paycheck on time and didn't trust the guy to mail it to him once back in California. On Monday when I got home from school there were police at my house, I ran in expecting to see Randy (whom I hadn't talked to since the ninja star incident) being arrested. Instead I saw grams sitting at the formal dinning table speaking with two officers, when they saw me they called me in and told me that grams called them because she didn't want Richard to be able to step foot on the property anymore, she had filed for a no trespass warrant and it was granted, from that moment Richard could be arrested if he came to my house again. Grams told me I was no longer aloud to see him and if she caught me sneaking around with him she would go to court for a restraining order. I was completely devastated.
I didn't speak to grams for months after that, we would literally pass each other in the house not speaking a word. During this time I was sneaking around to see Richard, thanks to a few friends who were more than willing to be my cover, I would go to there house and Richard would pick me up, or I would go spend the day at Knotts just to go into the park, wait 10 min and then meet Richard outside the gates and spend the day with him in a hotel room.
Also during this time Grams started to sleep a lot and not feel well, but me being a selfish teen didn't ask questions and didn't really care, I was still so angry with her for forbidding mine and Richards relationship I couldn't see past it.
Lee and I were fighting more and more because of my attitude, she made it clear that I was being a selfish brat but I didn't care, I thought she was being an unreasonable bitch, and told her so to her face. She called me over one day to tell me that grams was getting worse and she talked her into going into see the doctor, that I needed to get my head out of my ass and start being supportive and be there for her because her suspicions were correct I was going to be very sorry.....my head stayed up my ass.
Grams doctors appointment came and the doctor admitted her into the hospital, this hit me like a ton of bricks, the last time this happened we found out that pop had terminal cancer, I was terrified.....was grams going to die? had I wasted precious months with her because I was angry? months I could never get back. I sat in a corner of my room and cried harder than I had ever cried in my life, I was sorry for how I had been acting, I was scared and I felt guilty, a guilt that weighed heavy on my heart, so heavy it felt like I was being stabbed in the chest with a dull knife.
I just waited for the phone to ring, to hear Lees voice telling me it was all ok. I prayed, I prayed so hard begging God not to take Grams, that my heart just couldn't handle loosing her, I begged and begged till the phone rang......
hello? Starr its grandma (Lee) grams is done with her tests, they are releasing her tonight, we wont know anything for a few days. It would be really nice if you could have dinner ready for her......AND BE NICE!.....yes ma'am....that's all I could get myself to say.
Grams came home from the hospital and I had dinner waiting, I made fried chicken, mashed potatoes and corn on the cob, Grams picked at her food, not really eating much and went to bed. I washed the dishes and then went and crawled in bed with her, I laid with her the rest of the night holding her and crying and saying I'm sorry over and over again. she just held me back and said its ok baby doll, I know you love me. I could have said I was sorry two million times and the pain I felt in my chest wouldn't have gone away, all the sorry's in the world would not make up for the way I had treated grams over the last few months.
A few days later grams got the call from the doctor, she wanted to see her in her office as soon as possible, grams went right then, she knew it was more than likely not good news. Lee went with her, they were both sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me to get home from school, I walked in, saw them both there, sitting not saying a word, and I knew.................
May 8th 1998 came and I was getting ready for our date out, we went to see Titanic and then went to Orange hill for dinner, it was absolutely perfect! I had never been so happy in my life. I was now 16, and we were really starting to plan our wedding, we were planning on getting married right after I turned 18. This made grams very nervous and she continued to try and get me to stop seeing Richard. In June she found her chance.
A friend of Richards had gotten stranded in Los Vegas, Richard went to get him, he was only supposed to be gone a day and it ended up being three because the friend wasn't given his last paycheck on time and didn't trust the guy to mail it to him once back in California. On Monday when I got home from school there were police at my house, I ran in expecting to see Randy (whom I hadn't talked to since the ninja star incident) being arrested. Instead I saw grams sitting at the formal dinning table speaking with two officers, when they saw me they called me in and told me that grams called them because she didn't want Richard to be able to step foot on the property anymore, she had filed for a no trespass warrant and it was granted, from that moment Richard could be arrested if he came to my house again. Grams told me I was no longer aloud to see him and if she caught me sneaking around with him she would go to court for a restraining order. I was completely devastated.
I didn't speak to grams for months after that, we would literally pass each other in the house not speaking a word. During this time I was sneaking around to see Richard, thanks to a few friends who were more than willing to be my cover, I would go to there house and Richard would pick me up, or I would go spend the day at Knotts just to go into the park, wait 10 min and then meet Richard outside the gates and spend the day with him in a hotel room.
Also during this time Grams started to sleep a lot and not feel well, but me being a selfish teen didn't ask questions and didn't really care, I was still so angry with her for forbidding mine and Richards relationship I couldn't see past it.
Lee and I were fighting more and more because of my attitude, she made it clear that I was being a selfish brat but I didn't care, I thought she was being an unreasonable bitch, and told her so to her face. She called me over one day to tell me that grams was getting worse and she talked her into going into see the doctor, that I needed to get my head out of my ass and start being supportive and be there for her because her suspicions were correct I was going to be very sorry.....my head stayed up my ass.
Grams doctors appointment came and the doctor admitted her into the hospital, this hit me like a ton of bricks, the last time this happened we found out that pop had terminal cancer, I was terrified.....was grams going to die? had I wasted precious months with her because I was angry? months I could never get back. I sat in a corner of my room and cried harder than I had ever cried in my life, I was sorry for how I had been acting, I was scared and I felt guilty, a guilt that weighed heavy on my heart, so heavy it felt like I was being stabbed in the chest with a dull knife.
I just waited for the phone to ring, to hear Lees voice telling me it was all ok. I prayed, I prayed so hard begging God not to take Grams, that my heart just couldn't handle loosing her, I begged and begged till the phone rang......
hello? Starr its grandma (Lee) grams is done with her tests, they are releasing her tonight, we wont know anything for a few days. It would be really nice if you could have dinner ready for her......AND BE NICE!.....yes ma'am....that's all I could get myself to say.
Grams came home from the hospital and I had dinner waiting, I made fried chicken, mashed potatoes and corn on the cob, Grams picked at her food, not really eating much and went to bed. I washed the dishes and then went and crawled in bed with her, I laid with her the rest of the night holding her and crying and saying I'm sorry over and over again. she just held me back and said its ok baby doll, I know you love me. I could have said I was sorry two million times and the pain I felt in my chest wouldn't have gone away, all the sorry's in the world would not make up for the way I had treated grams over the last few months.
A few days later grams got the call from the doctor, she wanted to see her in her office as soon as possible, grams went right then, she knew it was more than likely not good news. Lee went with her, they were both sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me to get home from school, I walked in, saw them both there, sitting not saying a word, and I knew.................
Sunday, May 25, 2014
The fast and..........well just the fast for now chapter 13
Richard and I were moving very fast, we were talking about getting married and having kids, where we would live and how I would be a stay at home mom because we both felt that's what was best for our future kids.
Grams was concerned about how fast things between us were moving and urged me to break up with him and explore my options, but just the thought of not being with him made my entire chest ache. I was terrified with the relationship, it was so serious and I didn't know how to handle it but I was more happy than scared so I just went with it.
Mine and Richards relationship started to put a strain on mine and Grams relationship, she and I were always butting heads and I started to become very disrespectful to her, basically telling her what I was going to do instead of asking permission, being mouthy and talking back a lot....something I regret more than anything else in my life.
when Richard and I had been together for four months I found out I was pregnant. I was scared and didn't know what Richard would think, what Grams would say or do, I knew Lee would try and force abortion, she had told me more than once if I got pregnant I wouldn't have a choice. I was scared that Grams would forbid Richard and I to see each other anymore.
That night when Richard came over I told him I was pregnant, he just smiled at me and said we will figure it out, the important thing is that you tell your grandma and start seeing a doctor. I told him what Lee had said and he promised me he wouldn't let that happen.
I was trying to muster the courage to tell Grams I was pregnant, but I didn't end up needing to, I ended up having a miscarriage two weeks later. I was devastated, I felt a pain in my heart that was unlike any other pain I had ever had, I already loved this baby more than my own life and now it was gone. Richard left work early that day and came over, he just held me while I cried. He promised me that we would have lots of babies once we were married, that made me feel a little better but I was still in pain and would be for a long time.
I still to this day believe it was from the stress of the strain on mine and Grams relationship and from the fear I felt having to tell her I was pregnant.
I know now it was a blessing in disguise. Randy ended up overdosing shortly after my miscarriage and again I was the strong one helping Grams figure everything out. Randy didn't die but came very close to it. Grams was at her wits end with him and I'm sure her stress level was through the roof, she was becoming week and frail and very short tempered which wasn't like Grams at all. I was worried for her and for her health.
One night when I heard grams crying in her room while on the phone with her sister in Oklahoma about how much stress Randy had put her through and I snapped, I burst into his room and started screaming at him, I told him what a worthless piece of shit he was and how I couldn't stand him and that the family would have been better off if he had died. Randy just stood there staring at me and when I turned to leave he threw a ninja star at my head, it missed me by inches and stuck in the door next to me. At that moment I knew Randy never loved me, that he couldn't love me, all his love was being consumed by his addiction. I became numb to him at that moment, I no longer cared what happened to him, I no longer cared if he was killing himself slowly and painfully with the drugs and alcohol, I actually prayed for him to die, that moment put me in a very dark place, a place I never want to see again.
I was relieved that during all this I had Richard to lean on, he was amazing, he was the strength when I couldn't find my own and he carried me through it all.
little did I know that soon, that would end......
Grams was concerned about how fast things between us were moving and urged me to break up with him and explore my options, but just the thought of not being with him made my entire chest ache. I was terrified with the relationship, it was so serious and I didn't know how to handle it but I was more happy than scared so I just went with it.
Mine and Richards relationship started to put a strain on mine and Grams relationship, she and I were always butting heads and I started to become very disrespectful to her, basically telling her what I was going to do instead of asking permission, being mouthy and talking back a lot....something I regret more than anything else in my life.
when Richard and I had been together for four months I found out I was pregnant. I was scared and didn't know what Richard would think, what Grams would say or do, I knew Lee would try and force abortion, she had told me more than once if I got pregnant I wouldn't have a choice. I was scared that Grams would forbid Richard and I to see each other anymore.
That night when Richard came over I told him I was pregnant, he just smiled at me and said we will figure it out, the important thing is that you tell your grandma and start seeing a doctor. I told him what Lee had said and he promised me he wouldn't let that happen.
I was trying to muster the courage to tell Grams I was pregnant, but I didn't end up needing to, I ended up having a miscarriage two weeks later. I was devastated, I felt a pain in my heart that was unlike any other pain I had ever had, I already loved this baby more than my own life and now it was gone. Richard left work early that day and came over, he just held me while I cried. He promised me that we would have lots of babies once we were married, that made me feel a little better but I was still in pain and would be for a long time.
I still to this day believe it was from the stress of the strain on mine and Grams relationship and from the fear I felt having to tell her I was pregnant.
I know now it was a blessing in disguise. Randy ended up overdosing shortly after my miscarriage and again I was the strong one helping Grams figure everything out. Randy didn't die but came very close to it. Grams was at her wits end with him and I'm sure her stress level was through the roof, she was becoming week and frail and very short tempered which wasn't like Grams at all. I was worried for her and for her health.
One night when I heard grams crying in her room while on the phone with her sister in Oklahoma about how much stress Randy had put her through and I snapped, I burst into his room and started screaming at him, I told him what a worthless piece of shit he was and how I couldn't stand him and that the family would have been better off if he had died. Randy just stood there staring at me and when I turned to leave he threw a ninja star at my head, it missed me by inches and stuck in the door next to me. At that moment I knew Randy never loved me, that he couldn't love me, all his love was being consumed by his addiction. I became numb to him at that moment, I no longer cared what happened to him, I no longer cared if he was killing himself slowly and painfully with the drugs and alcohol, I actually prayed for him to die, that moment put me in a very dark place, a place I never want to see again.
I was relieved that during all this I had Richard to lean on, he was amazing, he was the strength when I couldn't find my own and he carried me through it all.
little did I know that soon, that would end......
Thursday, May 22, 2014
When ya know.....ya know chapter 12
After Troys death Grams, Lee and I all tried to get some kind of normalcy back, but it wasn't so easy. Pop was gone, Troy was gone and our family just felt so incomplete, too many people we loved were missing. Randy in perfect form dove deeper in to alcohol and drugs which put a HUGE stress on grams, but she just couldn't bring herself to make him leave, she was terrified that he would end up dead in a ditch and she wouldn't know, she really felt like she was stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I wanted to be a kid again and I was going to be no matter what. I started hanging out with my friends again, a lot, I wasn't hardly home which meant less time with Grams. I had met this new friend Tanya who wasn't the best influence but I kind of liked that. She was over one day and asked to use my phone to page this guy so she could get a hold of her FWB, I let her and when he called back he asked what number she was at and she told him her friends, he BEGGED to talk to me and finally she gave in, his name was Richard, we talked for about half an hour and he had to go but said if I wanted to talk to him again to page him around 8 and he would call me.
At eight I paged him and he called me back, we talked for HOURS and decided to meet up the next day after I got out of school. I rushed home and tore my closet apart looking for the perfect outfit and decided on a blue billabong baby T and a pair of dark wash cut off jean shorts. Just then the doorbell rang and I rushed to answer it and there stood....Tanya. She knew Richard and I were meeting that day and she was NOT happy about it, although she wouldn't give me a reason why. Her and I were arguing when I heard this loud bumping noise coming from down the street, I looked up and there was this white lowered mini truck that I had never seen before and it pulled in front of my house, out stepped this tall dark and very handsome man, Tanya said "great he's here" my jaw hit the floor when I realized that THIS was Richard. I walked over to him and introduced myself and giggled like an idiot. I had no clue how to behave with a boy, this was all new to me. we went in the house and sat in my room talking, Tanya was trying to embarrass me by telling him my blond hair wasn't natural, that didn't seem to bother him and he asked if I had any pictures of myself with dark hair. I left the room and went into the guest room to get a photo album and Richard followed me in there. Richard and I sat in there for a few min talking with out Tanya and all of a sudden he leaned in and kissed me......it was amazing! it was also my first kiss. Tanya came looking for us and we went back into my room and we decided to get ice cream, grams wouldn't let me go so Richard and Tanya went to pick it up and bring it back, when they got back Tanya was in an even more pissy mood and just up and left, that was more than ok with me.
Richard and I spent the next few hours just talking, I found out he was much older than I thought, he was 19.....I was 15, I thought it would be a problem for him but we were really hitting it off, I got up to use the restroom and when I came out Richard was standing there, he said ya know I really like you, I said I really like you too, he leaned in and kissed me again and then said I would really like for you to be my girl, I said I would really like to be your girl, he smiled and kissed me again..... as of 6:45pm May 8th 1997 Richard and I were a couple.
Richard left that night and I was just head over heals, I was terrified about these feelings I was having....could I be in love? this soon? The next morning I woke up to a page from Richard and I called him back when he answered I said hi and he said.....I love you...I was up all night thinking about you and I love you. In that moment I wasn't scared anymore and said I love you too. Richard came over that night after he got off work and I told him that my friends wanted to meet him, because of course I had been talking all day about this amazing boy I was dating. We decided to go to Knotts Berry Farm that Saturday so he could meet my two best friends. Things went well, Tuesday and John really liked him, but they were afraid that I was getting into too much too soon for this being my first boyfriend but hey when ya know...ya know.
Two weeks later Richard took me to lunch to this very nice restaurant called Orange Hill, during lunch Richard got down on one knee and proposed to me.....I said yes. I knew it was going to be at least 3 years before we could even think about getting married but I didn't care and neither did he.
I was completely in love with this man, I missed him so much when we weren't together and my heart would race when I heard his truck coming down the street. I had decided that this was the person I was going to have sex with the first time, I didn't know when but I knew it was going to be him.
June 3rd 1997 we were celebrating out one month anniversary early because he had to work late on the 8th. We were in my room making out and I decided this was the moment.....right now.....I looked at him and said do you have a condom? he said yes and I said lets use it. That man moved so fast it made me laugh, then when it came to doing the actual deed he was worried about me, how I was feeling and wanted to make sure I was completely certain I wanted to do this. I told him I was and we had sex, he was sweet and gentle, he was loving and made my first time everything your first time should be. I wouldn't take it back or change it for anything,
They say sex changes things, and it does.....and usually not for the better
I wanted to be a kid again and I was going to be no matter what. I started hanging out with my friends again, a lot, I wasn't hardly home which meant less time with Grams. I had met this new friend Tanya who wasn't the best influence but I kind of liked that. She was over one day and asked to use my phone to page this guy so she could get a hold of her FWB, I let her and when he called back he asked what number she was at and she told him her friends, he BEGGED to talk to me and finally she gave in, his name was Richard, we talked for about half an hour and he had to go but said if I wanted to talk to him again to page him around 8 and he would call me.
At eight I paged him and he called me back, we talked for HOURS and decided to meet up the next day after I got out of school. I rushed home and tore my closet apart looking for the perfect outfit and decided on a blue billabong baby T and a pair of dark wash cut off jean shorts. Just then the doorbell rang and I rushed to answer it and there stood....Tanya. She knew Richard and I were meeting that day and she was NOT happy about it, although she wouldn't give me a reason why. Her and I were arguing when I heard this loud bumping noise coming from down the street, I looked up and there was this white lowered mini truck that I had never seen before and it pulled in front of my house, out stepped this tall dark and very handsome man, Tanya said "great he's here" my jaw hit the floor when I realized that THIS was Richard. I walked over to him and introduced myself and giggled like an idiot. I had no clue how to behave with a boy, this was all new to me. we went in the house and sat in my room talking, Tanya was trying to embarrass me by telling him my blond hair wasn't natural, that didn't seem to bother him and he asked if I had any pictures of myself with dark hair. I left the room and went into the guest room to get a photo album and Richard followed me in there. Richard and I sat in there for a few min talking with out Tanya and all of a sudden he leaned in and kissed me......it was amazing! it was also my first kiss. Tanya came looking for us and we went back into my room and we decided to get ice cream, grams wouldn't let me go so Richard and Tanya went to pick it up and bring it back, when they got back Tanya was in an even more pissy mood and just up and left, that was more than ok with me.
Richard and I spent the next few hours just talking, I found out he was much older than I thought, he was 19.....I was 15, I thought it would be a problem for him but we were really hitting it off, I got up to use the restroom and when I came out Richard was standing there, he said ya know I really like you, I said I really like you too, he leaned in and kissed me again and then said I would really like for you to be my girl, I said I would really like to be your girl, he smiled and kissed me again..... as of 6:45pm May 8th 1997 Richard and I were a couple.
Richard left that night and I was just head over heals, I was terrified about these feelings I was having....could I be in love? this soon? The next morning I woke up to a page from Richard and I called him back when he answered I said hi and he said.....I love you...I was up all night thinking about you and I love you. In that moment I wasn't scared anymore and said I love you too. Richard came over that night after he got off work and I told him that my friends wanted to meet him, because of course I had been talking all day about this amazing boy I was dating. We decided to go to Knotts Berry Farm that Saturday so he could meet my two best friends. Things went well, Tuesday and John really liked him, but they were afraid that I was getting into too much too soon for this being my first boyfriend but hey when ya know...ya know.
Two weeks later Richard took me to lunch to this very nice restaurant called Orange Hill, during lunch Richard got down on one knee and proposed to me.....I said yes. I knew it was going to be at least 3 years before we could even think about getting married but I didn't care and neither did he.
I was completely in love with this man, I missed him so much when we weren't together and my heart would race when I heard his truck coming down the street. I had decided that this was the person I was going to have sex with the first time, I didn't know when but I knew it was going to be him.
June 3rd 1997 we were celebrating out one month anniversary early because he had to work late on the 8th. We were in my room making out and I decided this was the moment.....right now.....I looked at him and said do you have a condom? he said yes and I said lets use it. That man moved so fast it made me laugh, then when it came to doing the actual deed he was worried about me, how I was feeling and wanted to make sure I was completely certain I wanted to do this. I told him I was and we had sex, he was sweet and gentle, he was loving and made my first time everything your first time should be. I wouldn't take it back or change it for anything,
They say sex changes things, and it does.....and usually not for the better
Monday, May 19, 2014
Take a deep breath and.........chapter 11
We had a huge celebration for my 15th birthday, we had A huge family party and then I got to pick 5 friends to go to Disneyland with me. It was spectacular. Grams went on alot of the rides with me and she smiled like I hadn't seen in months! Lee and Troy went too, but they mostly stayed with all of our stuff, which I found odd because they use to be all about the rides but I figured they were just getting tired.
In mid February we found out that Troy was being treated for a heart problem, Lee told us it was no big deal, he would just need to take a pill to regulate it. On March 1st 1997 Troy had a heart attack.
Again we were all in the waiting room of the hospital waiting to hear news, the Dr came in and said that Troy's heart was inlarged, he had something called congestive heart failure. Basically Troy's heart wasn't working properly causing a lack of oxygen to the organs and tissue in his body, the amount of blood the heart was pumping was not enough to circulate the the incoming blood returning to the heart from the body and lungs, causing fluid to build up which could (and did in Troy's case) lead to the lungs filling with fluid causing shortness of breath, difficulty breathing, weakness and swelling. The pills just wouldn't be enough and Troy would require surgery.
Before the date was set his case had to go before the hospital bored of doctors to see if he was a candidate for this specific surgery called the The Batista procedure, which at this time was still experimental, but it was his only chance. The Batista procedure was the reversal of the effects of remodeling in cases of end-stage dilated cardiomyopathy. The bored reviewed Troy's case and it was determined that he WAS a candidate. The whole family was relieved.
Dr. Randas Batista the doctor who invented the procedure in 1994 was there to overlook the surgery but couldn't do the actual operation as he was only licensed to practice medicine in his home country of Brazil. The surgery date was set for March 15th 1997.
Troy went through the surgery with out a single glitch! It was amazing, the surgeon and Dr. Batista were absolutely thrilled, as were we. March 20th Troy came home from the hospital and we all exhaled with relief.
6 am on March 23rd 911 was called, Troy was non responsive when Lee tried to wake him for his medication. Troy had developed a grade A staph infection. He was admitted into the hospital and was put in a clean room, we all had to scrub up, put on gowns, masks, gloves and booties before we were able to enter. Grams, Lee and I were at the hospital night and day, we showered there, ate there and slept there. We had amazing neighbors who would bring us a weeks worth of clothes at a time so we didn't have to leave. Troy went through two more surgeries, a sternum removal and a
Tracheostomy trying to get the infection to subside, all in conjunction with a number of antibiotics.....nothing was working.
In mid February we found out that Troy was being treated for a heart problem, Lee told us it was no big deal, he would just need to take a pill to regulate it. On March 1st 1997 Troy had a heart attack.
Again we were all in the waiting room of the hospital waiting to hear news, the Dr came in and said that Troy's heart was inlarged, he had something called congestive heart failure. Basically Troy's heart wasn't working properly causing a lack of oxygen to the organs and tissue in his body, the amount of blood the heart was pumping was not enough to circulate the the incoming blood returning to the heart from the body and lungs, causing fluid to build up which could (and did in Troy's case) lead to the lungs filling with fluid causing shortness of breath, difficulty breathing, weakness and swelling. The pills just wouldn't be enough and Troy would require surgery.
Before the date was set his case had to go before the hospital bored of doctors to see if he was a candidate for this specific surgery called the The Batista procedure, which at this time was still experimental, but it was his only chance. The Batista procedure was the reversal of the effects of remodeling in cases of end-stage dilated cardiomyopathy. The bored reviewed Troy's case and it was determined that he WAS a candidate. The whole family was relieved.
Dr. Randas Batista the doctor who invented the procedure in 1994 was there to overlook the surgery but couldn't do the actual operation as he was only licensed to practice medicine in his home country of Brazil. The surgery date was set for March 15th 1997.
Troy went through the surgery with out a single glitch! It was amazing, the surgeon and Dr. Batista were absolutely thrilled, as were we. March 20th Troy came home from the hospital and we all exhaled with relief.
6 am on March 23rd 911 was called, Troy was non responsive when Lee tried to wake him for his medication. Troy had developed a grade A staph infection. He was admitted into the hospital and was put in a clean room, we all had to scrub up, put on gowns, masks, gloves and booties before we were able to enter. Grams, Lee and I were at the hospital night and day, we showered there, ate there and slept there. We had amazing neighbors who would bring us a weeks worth of clothes at a time so we didn't have to leave. Troy went through two more surgeries, a sternum removal and a
Tracheostomy trying to get the infection to subside, all in conjunction with a number of antibiotics.....nothing was working.
Troy begged Grams, I and Lee to go home and get some sleep, We could see it was upsetting him so we agreed reluctantly.
The next morning Lee got the call, Troy had passed away.....seven months TO THE DAY of losing pop on April 12th 1997.
Lee and grams were beside themselves, I knew what I had to do, I had to be strong for them, I had to keep everything going. Here I was 15 years old talking with doctors and taking notes, sometimes even recording the conversations because I really had no idea what they were talking about. I would go to the library and do my best to research things so I could explain to grams and Lee what had happened.
I was the one making the funeral arrangements, grams and Lee were there but they weren't there if you know what I mean, I had to tell Lee four times to sign the papers confirming the arrangements because she just simply didn't hear me
The day of the funeral I had to help Lee and grams into the church one at a time, grams fell in my arms as we got closer to the casket where are seats were. I sat in between them holding each one up at one point or another.
Grams and Lee both took to there beds, for weeks. One day they both pulled themselves up and decided to keep going. I was relieved for more reasons than one. I was taking care of both homes, cooking cleaning and paying bills that had been sitting since Troy has gone into the hospital, going to school and trying desperately to catch up, but mostly because I was scared for the both of them, I couldn't bare the thought of them giving up, losing another person I loved with all my heart just wasn't something I was prepared to survive.
Little did I know then but something else life changing was about to happen to me.
NOTE:studies at the Cleveland Clinic concluded that the Batista procedure was associated with a high early and late failure rate. At 3 years only 26 percent were event-free and survival rate was only 60 percent. Most hospitals in the US have abandoned this operation.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
When Death laughs, no one else does "chapter 10"
Grams and I were sitting in pops hospital room waiting for the nurse to bring pop back from his latest round of tests. We were both fighting off tears trying to stay strong for each other.
An hour past and the Dr came into the room and crouched down in front of us and said I am so sorry, it's pancreatic cancer and there isn't anything we can do, it's progressed too far. I will be back later to speak with you more.
Grams and I broke down in that moment wrapped in each other's arms sobbing. When the nurse brought pop back to the room he was still very groggy, we both crawled in bed with him, holding him, crying.
The cancer didn't phase pop one bit, he had such a strong faith in Christ, and accepted this was the plan for his life. It wasn't so easy for grams and I. We both struggled daily with the thought of pop not being there. I would find myself waking up in the night and going to his room to check on him. The doctors gave him a month and three had passed, pop was a strong man and even though he had accepted it, he wasn't going to just stop living. He still woke up every morning and got dressed, fixed his hair and went about his day as usual.
Once school started, Pop got up Every morning to help me get ready for school and drove me till he couldn't drive anymore. As the days went on he became more and more frail and able to do less and less, it seemed like it happened over night. When he had to start sleeping in a hospital bed because he was too uncomfortable in a regular bed we knew it was getting close, no matter how much we tried to prepare we just were not ready to lose pop, I don't think we ever would be.
Thursday morning pop woke me up like he always did "Starr baby it's time to get up".....Starr baby, that's what he always called me from the time I was brand new and here I am 14 years old and he's still calling me Starr baby. I sat up in bed and gave him a hug like I always did, he walked back to his room to lay back down and I heard a crash. Grams and I ran to the bedroom and found pop on the floor, he had lost conciseness and fell into the door and then the floor. I ran to call Lee and then 911. Lee ran in the door and to pop just as he was taking his last breath. I was on the phone with 911 when I heard grams whale out in sheer heart ach "NO BILL NO DONT LEAVE ME" the sound of her voice in that moment will always ring in my ears. I dropped the phone and ran to pop to see his lifeless body laying on the ground. I don't remember doing this but grams told me I threw myself on him and held on to him screaming daddy don't go I need you. Lee picked me up and sat me on the bed, the paramedics came and took him away.
My daddy, the man who loved me unconditionally and gave up more than he ever should have had to and did it willingly passed away at 6:45am Thursday September 12th 1996.
Grams and I planned his funeral, we made sure every last detail no matter how small was perfect, this man deserved it, he deserved everything. The pastor of our church presided over the service and did a beautiful job, everyone who was there got up to speak about pop and said such beautiful things about him, and I......I sang amazing grace, a song I sang to pop many many times before, a song that he asked me to sing to him when he was feeling his worst, he said it always made him feel better. This would be the last time I would be able to sing it for him and I put my entire heart and soul into it.
After the funeral grams had a hard time living, she didn't know how to be with out this man who had not only been her husband since she was 13, but a man she loved more than her own life. I am fully convinced had it not been for the fact she had me to care for she would have gone shortly after pop.
After a few months things started to become normal, but it just wasn't the same without pop, the home was.....different, there was a sullen cloud hanging over us that neither one of us could shake, that we didn't want to shake. We wanted and needed to be sad.
The first Christmas without pop was hard, none of us got through the day without crying, but Troy had a surprise, he had been working very hard with his speech therapist and before Christmas dinner Troy said a very short but absolutely breathtaking grace that consisted of just a few words, but they were incredible words coming from him, words we never thought we would hear from his voice again. Not even Lee knew he had been working on it. It brought a brightness to our family, a hope, something we hadn't had in a very long while.
Maybe things were going to go smooth now, maybe things were looking up........maybe
An hour past and the Dr came into the room and crouched down in front of us and said I am so sorry, it's pancreatic cancer and there isn't anything we can do, it's progressed too far. I will be back later to speak with you more.
Grams and I broke down in that moment wrapped in each other's arms sobbing. When the nurse brought pop back to the room he was still very groggy, we both crawled in bed with him, holding him, crying.
The cancer didn't phase pop one bit, he had such a strong faith in Christ, and accepted this was the plan for his life. It wasn't so easy for grams and I. We both struggled daily with the thought of pop not being there. I would find myself waking up in the night and going to his room to check on him. The doctors gave him a month and three had passed, pop was a strong man and even though he had accepted it, he wasn't going to just stop living. He still woke up every morning and got dressed, fixed his hair and went about his day as usual.
Once school started, Pop got up Every morning to help me get ready for school and drove me till he couldn't drive anymore. As the days went on he became more and more frail and able to do less and less, it seemed like it happened over night. When he had to start sleeping in a hospital bed because he was too uncomfortable in a regular bed we knew it was getting close, no matter how much we tried to prepare we just were not ready to lose pop, I don't think we ever would be.
Thursday morning pop woke me up like he always did "Starr baby it's time to get up".....Starr baby, that's what he always called me from the time I was brand new and here I am 14 years old and he's still calling me Starr baby. I sat up in bed and gave him a hug like I always did, he walked back to his room to lay back down and I heard a crash. Grams and I ran to the bedroom and found pop on the floor, he had lost conciseness and fell into the door and then the floor. I ran to call Lee and then 911. Lee ran in the door and to pop just as he was taking his last breath. I was on the phone with 911 when I heard grams whale out in sheer heart ach "NO BILL NO DONT LEAVE ME" the sound of her voice in that moment will always ring in my ears. I dropped the phone and ran to pop to see his lifeless body laying on the ground. I don't remember doing this but grams told me I threw myself on him and held on to him screaming daddy don't go I need you. Lee picked me up and sat me on the bed, the paramedics came and took him away.
My daddy, the man who loved me unconditionally and gave up more than he ever should have had to and did it willingly passed away at 6:45am Thursday September 12th 1996.
Grams and I planned his funeral, we made sure every last detail no matter how small was perfect, this man deserved it, he deserved everything. The pastor of our church presided over the service and did a beautiful job, everyone who was there got up to speak about pop and said such beautiful things about him, and I......I sang amazing grace, a song I sang to pop many many times before, a song that he asked me to sing to him when he was feeling his worst, he said it always made him feel better. This would be the last time I would be able to sing it for him and I put my entire heart and soul into it.
After the funeral grams had a hard time living, she didn't know how to be with out this man who had not only been her husband since she was 13, but a man she loved more than her own life. I am fully convinced had it not been for the fact she had me to care for she would have gone shortly after pop.
After a few months things started to become normal, but it just wasn't the same without pop, the home was.....different, there was a sullen cloud hanging over us that neither one of us could shake, that we didn't want to shake. We wanted and needed to be sad.
The first Christmas without pop was hard, none of us got through the day without crying, but Troy had a surprise, he had been working very hard with his speech therapist and before Christmas dinner Troy said a very short but absolutely breathtaking grace that consisted of just a few words, but they were incredible words coming from him, words we never thought we would hear from his voice again. Not even Lee knew he had been working on it. It brought a brightness to our family, a hope, something we hadn't had in a very long while.
Maybe things were going to go smooth now, maybe things were looking up........maybe
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They say it comes in three's......three's would have been nice "chapter 9"
While we were all out celebrating Troy's new found freedom and the accomplishment of his driver's license, Randy was having himself a good ol time with a few friends and some cocaine. He and these two others got high and one of them (a man) made a sexual advance on Randy, when he punched the guy (ron) he became I rate and started to beat Randy with free weights that were in the room, once Randy was unconscious he hit him a few times with a desk chair, then tried to drag Randy's body out of the apartment through the main house, gave up half way through and just left him laying there bleeding to death. When we got home grams, pop and I walked into the house and could smell the blood. Pop told grams and I to stay there and he went to the back of the house, he screamed LOUISE CALL 911!
The paramedics came and I don't know how many cops. Randy was still alive but just barely, he was taken to the hospital and we were all made to stay behind and questioned by officers. When we were finaly able to get to the hospital we were told Randy was in a coma and had sustained life threatening blows to his head, face and chest, four days later Randy woke up, eventually making a full recovery. He suffered terrible migraines after the attack but he was alive.
Randy was able to tell police what happened and Ron was arrested for attempted murder. The trial was next, and they painted Randy in an awful light, and honestly 99% of what they were saying was true. Grams and pop were both put on the stand and questioned like THEY were the criminals.
One morning as we were getting ready for court pop fainted in the kitchen. I called 911 as grams tried to help pop. The ambulance came and took pop to the hospital. He was admitted and had numerous tests ran over a period of three days.
None of us were prepared for what the results revealed.
The paramedics came and I don't know how many cops. Randy was still alive but just barely, he was taken to the hospital and we were all made to stay behind and questioned by officers. When we were finaly able to get to the hospital we were told Randy was in a coma and had sustained life threatening blows to his head, face and chest, four days later Randy woke up, eventually making a full recovery. He suffered terrible migraines after the attack but he was alive.
Randy was able to tell police what happened and Ron was arrested for attempted murder. The trial was next, and they painted Randy in an awful light, and honestly 99% of what they were saying was true. Grams and pop were both put on the stand and questioned like THEY were the criminals.
One morning as we were getting ready for court pop fainted in the kitchen. I called 911 as grams tried to help pop. The ambulance came and took pop to the hospital. He was admitted and had numerous tests ran over a period of three days.
None of us were prepared for what the results revealed.
Where do we go from here? "chapter 8"
Remember my dad's parents? Well they lived right across the street from us, Lee was a nurse and Troy was a business man for the union. They were the grandparents in the family while my great grands were my parents, Troy was grams only biological child
Grams and pop were able to go on with there daily life after Dakota and things were fantastic! I had stability and routine, everything a child should.......then the phone rang. Troy had a stroke while at work and was rushed to the emergency room. We all went and waited for news...any news. Finally we were told that Troy was paralyzed All the way down his right side, he couldn't walk, speak, breath on his own at this point, couldn't do anything really. Again the family was devastated.
Between Lee, grams and pop someone was always there with Troy, helping him with his physical therapy. After a year Troy was able to walk again, however he was and would forever be numb on his right side. He was able to say a few words (shit, Lee, damn, pop and popcorn) even with such amazing strides made it was still heart breaking to see Troy like that. He was a tall, fit, strong and independent man who in my eyes was made of steal and now was a weak frail man who needed help doing the most simple things. He was however determined to make the most out of the rest of this life, you could see it in him, he wasn't going to let this stop him. By the time I was 13 Troy was able to get his drivers license and become independent again, the joy in that man's eyes when he showed us all his driver's license brought tears to our eyes, proud isn't even a strong enough word.
Things were going incredibly well, so as you can imagine tragedy struck our home again.
Grams and pop were able to go on with there daily life after Dakota and things were fantastic! I had stability and routine, everything a child should.......then the phone rang. Troy had a stroke while at work and was rushed to the emergency room. We all went and waited for news...any news. Finally we were told that Troy was paralyzed All the way down his right side, he couldn't walk, speak, breath on his own at this point, couldn't do anything really. Again the family was devastated.
Between Lee, grams and pop someone was always there with Troy, helping him with his physical therapy. After a year Troy was able to walk again, however he was and would forever be numb on his right side. He was able to say a few words (shit, Lee, damn, pop and popcorn) even with such amazing strides made it was still heart breaking to see Troy like that. He was a tall, fit, strong and independent man who in my eyes was made of steal and now was a weak frail man who needed help doing the most simple things. He was however determined to make the most out of the rest of this life, you could see it in him, he wasn't going to let this stop him. By the time I was 13 Troy was able to get his drivers license and become independent again, the joy in that man's eyes when he showed us all his driver's license brought tears to our eyes, proud isn't even a strong enough word.
Things were going incredibly well, so as you can imagine tragedy struck our home again.
Friday, May 16, 2014
What happens now? "chapter 7"
Kym ended up marrying Tom a few months after the move. She called once a week, and somehow me and my brother not being with her was MY fault. Kym would lay guilt trips on me every conversation. Grams and pop were finaly able to get a court order for supervised phonecalls. They were schedualed weekly, we had to go to what looked like a drs office (I later found out it was a cps office) and go in a room with two phones. When Kym would call a lady would be on the second phone listining in and if at any time she felt my mother was saying anything that could be upsetting to me or my brother the calls were terminated. At first Kym called every week, then it wasnt every week, we would go to the office and sit there and wait for a call that would never come. Finaly we were told we could stop going to the office because the judge saw it as pointless as she wasnt calling anyway. I didnt hear from my Kym till I was 10. She was in California for a vacation and she came to grams and pops house and demanded to see Dakota and I. Because of the joint custody grams and pop didnt have any choice but to let her see us. My mom decided that she was going to take me and my brother back to Tennessee for the remander of the summer, again my grands had no choice but to let us go.
Off to tennessee we went for a month, I was absolutly terrified that Kym wasnt going to bring us back home, so much so I had such anxiety that I was vomiting and had diareah daily. While in Tennessee it was obvious that Kym was back in almost the same situation she was when she was with Randy. Tom was an alcoholic and was very verbily abusive to Kym, I suspected physical abuse but during that visit I didn't see it. The visit was just awkward, I didn't know how to "be" with Kym, she was a stranger to me, there was no relationship there. I counted down the days till I was able to go home and finally that day came. Kym took me and Dakota to the airport and put me on a plain, but not my brother. She had gotten me a two way ticket but only got my brother a one way. When the plain landed in California grams and pop saw that it was only me, they were heart broken. My grams cried herself to sleep every night for I don't even know how long. Kym wasnt allowing phone calls and kept my Dakota from us for almost a year when one day.......he just called. We got weekly phone calls from him after that.
I think that year took alot out of my grams and pop, not knowing where Dakota was, what he was doing or how he was. Being able to hear from him helped but just knowing that Kym had him, after her showing over and over what kind of mother she was really put a stress on them that took a toll on there health.
Off to tennessee we went for a month, I was absolutly terrified that Kym wasnt going to bring us back home, so much so I had such anxiety that I was vomiting and had diareah daily. While in Tennessee it was obvious that Kym was back in almost the same situation she was when she was with Randy. Tom was an alcoholic and was very verbily abusive to Kym, I suspected physical abuse but during that visit I didn't see it. The visit was just awkward, I didn't know how to "be" with Kym, she was a stranger to me, there was no relationship there. I counted down the days till I was able to go home and finally that day came. Kym took me and Dakota to the airport and put me on a plain, but not my brother. She had gotten me a two way ticket but only got my brother a one way. When the plain landed in California grams and pop saw that it was only me, they were heart broken. My grams cried herself to sleep every night for I don't even know how long. Kym wasnt allowing phone calls and kept my Dakota from us for almost a year when one day.......he just called. We got weekly phone calls from him after that.
I think that year took alot out of my grams and pop, not knowing where Dakota was, what he was doing or how he was. Being able to hear from him helped but just knowing that Kym had him, after her showing over and over what kind of mother she was really put a stress on them that took a toll on there health.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
days remembered "chapter 6"
Living with Kym's parents wasn't terrible but it wasn't home either. It was kym, me, Dakota, Kym's parents and one of my uncles (that my grandmother had after her second marriage, he was still in high school). I always felt awkward there like I didn't belong, and I think it was because I really didn't, I belonged with grams and pop, I cried myself to sleep every night I was there. I was so close to home (only a few miles) but still so far away. I would count down the days till my visits with grams and pop and I would cry to terribly that I made myself sick when I had to leave.
About a year after we were at Kym's parents house Randy got out of prison. He moved back in with grams and pop, but this time he was a different person, he was withdrawn and didn't want to leave the house, didn't want to be around people. He wouldn't hardly acknowledge Dakota or I when we were there.
Shortly after Randy got home Kym started seeing the neighbors brother Tom. He was a nice guy and payed Dakota and I alot of attention, it was nice, he also treated Kym like a queen. After a few months of them dating we moved in with Tom, thats when things changed again. He wasnt mean but we just wernt as important as we were before the move, I would hear Kym and Tom arguing in there room and Kym would tell him he was being just like Randy, hearing that put me into a panic, I didnt want to go through that again.
Trying to "get the spark back" Kym and Tom would go on weekend trips together (on grams and pops weekends and on kyms weekends) instead of Kym taking us to grams and pops she took us to Tom's mothers house in Compton Los Angeles to be baby sat. I remember one night when we were there she let us outfront to play before it got too dark and there was a drive by shooting. I saw a man get shot and die just feet infront of me. I know now how lucky my brother and I were that we were not shot but then, I had no idea, Tom's mom called Kym and told her what had happened and she said let them watch cartoons for a while and then send them to bed I will be there Sunday night like we planned.
About a year after we were at Kym's parents house Randy got out of prison. He moved back in with grams and pop, but this time he was a different person, he was withdrawn and didn't want to leave the house, didn't want to be around people. He wouldn't hardly acknowledge Dakota or I when we were there.
Shortly after Randy got home Kym started seeing the neighbors brother Tom. He was a nice guy and payed Dakota and I alot of attention, it was nice, he also treated Kym like a queen. After a few months of them dating we moved in with Tom, thats when things changed again. He wasnt mean but we just wernt as important as we were before the move, I would hear Kym and Tom arguing in there room and Kym would tell him he was being just like Randy, hearing that put me into a panic, I didnt want to go through that again.
Trying to "get the spark back" Kym and Tom would go on weekend trips together (on grams and pops weekends and on kyms weekends) instead of Kym taking us to grams and pops she took us to Tom's mothers house in Compton Los Angeles to be baby sat. I remember one night when we were there she let us outfront to play before it got too dark and there was a drive by shooting. I saw a man get shot and die just feet infront of me. I know now how lucky my brother and I were that we were not shot but then, I had no idea, Tom's mom called Kym and told her what had happened and she said let them watch cartoons for a while and then send them to bed I will be there Sunday night like we planned.
Tom had apparently been in some trouble with the law that finally caught up with him and he has to go to jail for a month, after he got out Kym and he decided to move to Tennessee. They packed up the apartment when my brother and I were at our Gram and pops house. Kym told us we were just moving to a different appartment. Three days later she packed up me and my brother (8 and 4 by this time) and dropped us off on the door step of gram and pops house. They weren't home, so we sat there on the pourch with our bags and one large box till they got home from square dancing. That same night my Kym and Tom hit the road to Tennessee.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
What exactly is normal? "chapter 5"
Kym had taken Dakota and left for her parents house and Randy was in jail. The house was quiet and things were good. Grams and pop took care of me like they always had but there wasn't this darkness hanging over the home anymore.
Randy was in jail for 9 months. When he was released he came home and found a job, but he wasn't my dad, he kept to himself, work, home, sleep, that was about the extent of it for him. A month after Randy got out of jail Kym started calling him and wanting to work things out. They started going on dates leaving Dakota with grams and pop. After a few months they decided it was time to try a family vacation, they packed up the car and took me and Dakota on a camping trip in the mountains.
That first trip was amazing! We had so much fun! We rode horses and went on these carnival like rides they had in a near by town. We had campfire food, Kym and Randy told stories, we went on hikes and roasted marshmallows. At the end of the 3 days we were there Randy and Kym looked like the perfect couple, they were loving, and sweet with each other, when we got back home Kym moved back in, we took that camping trip a few times that summer.
The rest of it is all kind of a blur. I remember sitting with a lady in a room with three chairs and my brother sleeping in a play pen. Grams and pop came and got us and took us home. The police went and found my parents car and found my dad way off the highway in some woods crying by my mom who he thought was dead. She wasnt, but any longer and she would have been. He was arrested and my mom was taken to a hospital. Kym filled for divorce the day after she was released. Again Kym took Dakota and went to her parents house and I was left with grams and pop......that was fine with me.
Two years passed and I hadn't seen Kym once, Randy was in prison. I was a happy little girl, I was in the third grade at a private Christian school, I had a ton of friends and I was finally leading a normal childhood. At school one day we were painting self portraits and an office helper came to my class to get me. She took me up to the office and as I rounded the corner there was Kym. I ran to her and grabbed her around her waist hugging her, she grabbed me and left. Kym took me to her new apartment where she was living with a new man named Kent.
Randy was in jail for 9 months. When he was released he came home and found a job, but he wasn't my dad, he kept to himself, work, home, sleep, that was about the extent of it for him. A month after Randy got out of jail Kym started calling him and wanting to work things out. They started going on dates leaving Dakota with grams and pop. After a few months they decided it was time to try a family vacation, they packed up the car and took me and Dakota on a camping trip in the mountains.
That first trip was amazing! We had so much fun! We rode horses and went on these carnival like rides they had in a near by town. We had campfire food, Kym and Randy told stories, we went on hikes and roasted marshmallows. At the end of the 3 days we were there Randy and Kym looked like the perfect couple, they were loving, and sweet with each other, when we got back home Kym moved back in, we took that camping trip a few times that summer.
We were on the road to do one last weekend in the mountains before school started. Randy was being very short tempered during this trip and they were arguing a little, I was thirsty and Randy refused to pull over so Kym grabbed this leather pouch flask thing my dad had and handed it to me, Randy tried to stop her but I got it and took a large gulp from it. I started choking and gaging and my mouth felt like it was on fire. Kym took the flask and took a sip from it and it wasn't water.....it was vodka. Kym was furious that he had been drinking and driving with all of us in the car and they got into a fight. Randy pulled over, drug Kym out of the car and beat her horribly. My brother and I were left in the car for what seemed like forever. It had gotten dark and another car passed by, the first one of the day. He stopped and saw us in the car and took us to a police station in the next town.
Two years passed and I hadn't seen Kym once, Randy was in prison. I was a happy little girl, I was in the third grade at a private Christian school, I had a ton of friends and I was finally leading a normal childhood. At school one day we were painting self portraits and an office helper came to my class to get me. She took me up to the office and as I rounded the corner there was Kym. I ran to her and grabbed her around her waist hugging her, she grabbed me and left. Kym took me to her new apartment where she was living with a new man named Kent.
I loved seeing Kym and I was having fun visiting with her. When dinner time came around I told her I wanted to go home, Kym yelled "YOU ARE HOME DONT YOU EVER ASK TO SEE THOSE PEOPLE AGAIN!
Grams and pop filed for joint custody of me and my brother. Kym fought that tooth and nail but she lost and ended up sharing custody with them.
During my moms relationship with Kent there was a lot of abuse, he was very verbily abusive to me and Dakota and physicaly abusive to my mother.Kents daughter and son who were older than me and my brother stayed with us every other weeked. His daughter decided one night to show me what sex was, I told Kym the next day and she didnt believe me, I didnt tell her again after that, it went on every other weekend for months. I still to this day dont know why I didnt tell my grams and pop but I didnt. After Kent beat my mother so bad she miscarried there baby she left him and back to her parents house she went, this time she took Dakota AND me.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
If it sounds too good to be true........"chapter 4"
Things were as close to perfect as you can get, which should have been the first clue it wasn't real. When I was 5 months old Randy hit Kym for the first time.
Randy had been sober this whole time, had been going to work, coming home when he was supposed to and being a dad to me.
An old friend of Randy's started coming around and Randy started becoming who he use to be. Coming home late, smelling like alcohol. After the second week of this Kym confronted Randy about his behavior and he snapped. Randy grabbed Kym by her hair and threw her into a wall and punched her in the face fracturing her cheek bone and knocking her out. Randy left and wasn't heard from for a month.
Kym stayed in the apartment at my gram and pop's but she too was slipping back into her neglectful ways with me. I started spending more time in the main house with my grams and pop and after a bit I was sleeping in gram and pops room. Kym would come and go as she pleased and there were times she didn't see me for a few days.
When Randy came home after the month of being MIA he was dirty and skinny and just flat out looked like hell. Grams took him to the emergency room, he was dehydrated and malnourished and his tox screen showed meth in his system. The hospital kept him for 5 days and he was sent home. Again the family tried to get him to go to rehab but this time he refused.
Kym didn't leave him, part of me thinks she really loved him and part of me thinks she didn't want to lose her free ride, whatever the reason was, she stayed. It went on for years like this, Randy would get loaded beat Kym and then go on with his life like it was normal. Kym would take it Leave for a few days and then come back. My poor grams and pop didn't know what to do, on one hand they didn't want what was happening in there house to happen but on the other they were terrified if they made them leave where I would end up. The police were called more than once but they wouldn't do anything because for some reason Kym refused to press charges.
When I was 3 years old Kym took me somewhere early in the morning. I vividly remember a bright yellow VW bug parked on an asphalt driveway of a house. Kym got me out of the car and took me up to this house, I was put into a bedroom and told to stay there. I don't know how long went by but I remember I was hungry and had more than one accident in my underwear before Kym came back to the room. When she came for me I was yelled at for peeing on myself and spanked. By the time we got back to gram and pops it was almost dark and grams was setting the table for dinner. That was the first time I had eaten that day. A week later Kym left and was gone for a little over a month. When she came home her and Randy announced she was pregnant.
I don't remember Kym pregnant at all except for one memory of me walking up to her and trying to give her a hug around her waist and Randy pulling me away and yelling at me not to touch her.
I do however remember when Kym came home after my baby brother Dakota was born. I had turned 4 three months before he was born and It was like I didn't exist anymore.....not like I really exited before anyhow but now it was different.
I wasn't angry or hurt and I didn't resent my baby brother for taking my mom's attention from me. I think I was actually relieved. I was now (and had for quite some time) living in the main house with grams and pop, they were my parents.
I was helping grams fix dinner one night about 3 months later and Kym ran up to the main part of the house holding Dakota and was covered in blood running from her face, she was shaking and scared. Kym heard Randy coming from the apartment and handed Dakota to grams and she ran out of the kitchen door and hid in the garage. Randy had this look to him that I had never seen before, it was terrifying. Pop had already slipped off to the bedroom to call 911. This time Randy was arrested and was taken to jail for domestic violence.
Kym packed her and Dakota's things and left to her parents house, she left me with grams and pop. It was different this time, she wasn't coming back.
Randy had been sober this whole time, had been going to work, coming home when he was supposed to and being a dad to me.
An old friend of Randy's started coming around and Randy started becoming who he use to be. Coming home late, smelling like alcohol. After the second week of this Kym confronted Randy about his behavior and he snapped. Randy grabbed Kym by her hair and threw her into a wall and punched her in the face fracturing her cheek bone and knocking her out. Randy left and wasn't heard from for a month.
Kym stayed in the apartment at my gram and pop's but she too was slipping back into her neglectful ways with me. I started spending more time in the main house with my grams and pop and after a bit I was sleeping in gram and pops room. Kym would come and go as she pleased and there were times she didn't see me for a few days.
When Randy came home after the month of being MIA he was dirty and skinny and just flat out looked like hell. Grams took him to the emergency room, he was dehydrated and malnourished and his tox screen showed meth in his system. The hospital kept him for 5 days and he was sent home. Again the family tried to get him to go to rehab but this time he refused.
Kym didn't leave him, part of me thinks she really loved him and part of me thinks she didn't want to lose her free ride, whatever the reason was, she stayed. It went on for years like this, Randy would get loaded beat Kym and then go on with his life like it was normal. Kym would take it Leave for a few days and then come back. My poor grams and pop didn't know what to do, on one hand they didn't want what was happening in there house to happen but on the other they were terrified if they made them leave where I would end up. The police were called more than once but they wouldn't do anything because for some reason Kym refused to press charges.
When I was 3 years old Kym took me somewhere early in the morning. I vividly remember a bright yellow VW bug parked on an asphalt driveway of a house. Kym got me out of the car and took me up to this house, I was put into a bedroom and told to stay there. I don't know how long went by but I remember I was hungry and had more than one accident in my underwear before Kym came back to the room. When she came for me I was yelled at for peeing on myself and spanked. By the time we got back to gram and pops it was almost dark and grams was setting the table for dinner. That was the first time I had eaten that day. A week later Kym left and was gone for a little over a month. When she came home her and Randy announced she was pregnant.
I don't remember Kym pregnant at all except for one memory of me walking up to her and trying to give her a hug around her waist and Randy pulling me away and yelling at me not to touch her.
I do however remember when Kym came home after my baby brother Dakota was born. I had turned 4 three months before he was born and It was like I didn't exist anymore.....not like I really exited before anyhow but now it was different.
I wasn't angry or hurt and I didn't resent my baby brother for taking my mom's attention from me. I think I was actually relieved. I was now (and had for quite some time) living in the main house with grams and pop, they were my parents.
I was helping grams fix dinner one night about 3 months later and Kym ran up to the main part of the house holding Dakota and was covered in blood running from her face, she was shaking and scared. Kym heard Randy coming from the apartment and handed Dakota to grams and she ran out of the kitchen door and hid in the garage. Randy had this look to him that I had never seen before, it was terrifying. Pop had already slipped off to the bedroom to call 911. This time Randy was arrested and was taken to jail for domestic violence.
Kym packed her and Dakota's things and left to her parents house, she left me with grams and pop. It was different this time, she wasn't coming back.
A birth AND an almost death "chapter 3"
Randy had decided to have a party at there apartment, telling Kym It would be good for her to see friends and that it would be fun. He invited numerous people, not a one of which Kym knew. There was drinking, smoking and loud music. Kym was not happy, but Randy didn't care, he was drinking and smoking pot having himself a great ol' time. Finally Kym had enough and went to bed. Around midnight she woke up to some pain in her stomach and got out of bed when her water broke. She made her way into the front of the apartment where Randy was still partying it up with the remaining few people who hadn't left or passed out. She told him she was in labor and needed to go to the hospital, he told her to go back to bed and they would deal with it in the morning. Kym couldn't call anyone because they didn't have a phone. Frustrated, pissed off and in pain she started throwing beer bottles at Randy's head. She was able to get to a neighbors apartment and call Randy's grandma (my grams) So she could get to the hospital. My grams and pop came to get Kym and knocked Randy upside the head for being an ass and took them to the hospital.
When Kym finally got to the hospital she found out her regular doctor wasn't able to be reached so the doctor on call would be delivering me. They took her back to her room and was getting her all set up when the on call doctor came into the room. He walked in took her chart, read over It and then just stood there for a moment and walked back out not saying a word. About 10 min later he came back in to the room as Kym was having a contraction and the first thing he said to her was "if you can't handle the pain you shouldn't be having a baby, this is why you should have kept your legs closed." The doctor then decided this was a good time to check her progression and while he was seeing how far she was into labor she kicked him......In the face, this apparently pissed him off.
It was determined that I was breach, the nurse asked the doctor if she should start getting Kym prepped for a c-section and he said no, he was going to try and manually turn me. The nurse urged him not to but be did anyhow......5 times, the nurse had to threaten him with the hospital bored as he was trying for #6. Finally Kym was taken in for a c-section and I was born 6lbs 1oz ,22" long at 12 min after midnight on January 25th 1982.
5 days later we were homeward bound. Randy and Kym walked into an apartment full of everything you would need for baby, all thanks to grams and pop. My grams told Kym and Randy she would be coming over during the day to help out with me. Randy took this as an opportunity to just not come home for two or three days at a time. My grams not only helped during the day but ended up sleeping on the couch to get up with me during the night because Kym was either tired or in pain, Kym didn't actually hold me for longer than a few minutes till I was almost three weeks old. When Kym doctor gave her the green light grams went back home at night but was still coming over during the day.
Grams walked in the apartment one morning to hear Kym talking to someone in the bedroom, she over heard Kym telling this person that she was dead, that she felt dead inside and was just going through the motions and doing just enough to make sure I stayed alive. Then another voice said well just go leave her somewhere, you don't need to be dragged down by the little brat, you didn't ask for this. Grams burst into the room and there was Kym sitting on her bed talking with her best friend and there I was in nothing but a diaper freezing cold and soiled...had been for some time. Grams ripped into Kym and threw the bestie out of the apartment.
Kym started to do better and told grams she didn't need to come over as often. Grams still made surprise pop in visits and I was always being taken care of the right way.
When I was about 6 weeks old Randy came home around 1am after a night of drinking and was ranting about something. When Kym jumped out of bed to tell him to shut up he got more upset and started crying and locked himself in the bathroom. He started screaming that he was going to kill himself. Kym tried to get into the bathroom but he had locked the door. Kym ran to the neighbors and called 911. The police kicked the bathroom door open and found Randy laying in blood. He had slit his wrists, it looked as if he had flung his arms around because there was blood all over the walls and ceiling. He was taken to the hospital via ambulance and was put into the psych ward after he was stabilized, Kym was told that not only was his blood alcohol level high but a tox screen also found marijuana and cocaine in his system.
Kym was staying with her parents while Randy was in the hospital, the day before he was to be released grams and pop went to the apartment to get some things for Randy to come home in. When they got to the apartment they found an eviction notice on the door. They took action and moved Randy and Kym in with them.....In a one bedroom mobile home in a senior park.
When Randy was released the family had an intervention and Randy agreed to go to rehab. After the 90 days he didn't come home to the little one bedroom mobile home, my pop had gone out and bought a house, he wanted me to have a real home to grow up in and wanted to help my parents. There was an apartment on the back of the house for my parents, grams and pop told them it was a fresh start and they should make the most of it. Things were ideal for a few months, Kym and Randy got along well and took care of me, we were an actual family.
Then things changed..........
When Kym finally got to the hospital she found out her regular doctor wasn't able to be reached so the doctor on call would be delivering me. They took her back to her room and was getting her all set up when the on call doctor came into the room. He walked in took her chart, read over It and then just stood there for a moment and walked back out not saying a word. About 10 min later he came back in to the room as Kym was having a contraction and the first thing he said to her was "if you can't handle the pain you shouldn't be having a baby, this is why you should have kept your legs closed." The doctor then decided this was a good time to check her progression and while he was seeing how far she was into labor she kicked him......In the face, this apparently pissed him off.
It was determined that I was breach, the nurse asked the doctor if she should start getting Kym prepped for a c-section and he said no, he was going to try and manually turn me. The nurse urged him not to but be did anyhow......5 times, the nurse had to threaten him with the hospital bored as he was trying for #6. Finally Kym was taken in for a c-section and I was born 6lbs 1oz ,22" long at 12 min after midnight on January 25th 1982.
5 days later we were homeward bound. Randy and Kym walked into an apartment full of everything you would need for baby, all thanks to grams and pop. My grams told Kym and Randy she would be coming over during the day to help out with me. Randy took this as an opportunity to just not come home for two or three days at a time. My grams not only helped during the day but ended up sleeping on the couch to get up with me during the night because Kym was either tired or in pain, Kym didn't actually hold me for longer than a few minutes till I was almost three weeks old. When Kym doctor gave her the green light grams went back home at night but was still coming over during the day.
Grams walked in the apartment one morning to hear Kym talking to someone in the bedroom, she over heard Kym telling this person that she was dead, that she felt dead inside and was just going through the motions and doing just enough to make sure I stayed alive. Then another voice said well just go leave her somewhere, you don't need to be dragged down by the little brat, you didn't ask for this. Grams burst into the room and there was Kym sitting on her bed talking with her best friend and there I was in nothing but a diaper freezing cold and soiled...had been for some time. Grams ripped into Kym and threw the bestie out of the apartment.
Kym started to do better and told grams she didn't need to come over as often. Grams still made surprise pop in visits and I was always being taken care of the right way.
When I was about 6 weeks old Randy came home around 1am after a night of drinking and was ranting about something. When Kym jumped out of bed to tell him to shut up he got more upset and started crying and locked himself in the bathroom. He started screaming that he was going to kill himself. Kym tried to get into the bathroom but he had locked the door. Kym ran to the neighbors and called 911. The police kicked the bathroom door open and found Randy laying in blood. He had slit his wrists, it looked as if he had flung his arms around because there was blood all over the walls and ceiling. He was taken to the hospital via ambulance and was put into the psych ward after he was stabilized, Kym was told that not only was his blood alcohol level high but a tox screen also found marijuana and cocaine in his system.
Kym was staying with her parents while Randy was in the hospital, the day before he was to be released grams and pop went to the apartment to get some things for Randy to come home in. When they got to the apartment they found an eviction notice on the door. They took action and moved Randy and Kym in with them.....In a one bedroom mobile home in a senior park.
When Randy was released the family had an intervention and Randy agreed to go to rehab. After the 90 days he didn't come home to the little one bedroom mobile home, my pop had gone out and bought a house, he wanted me to have a real home to grow up in and wanted to help my parents. There was an apartment on the back of the house for my parents, grams and pop told them it was a fresh start and they should make the most of it. Things were ideal for a few months, Kym and Randy got along well and took care of me, we were an actual family.
Then things changed..........
Monday, May 12, 2014
The rabbits funeral "chapter 2"
The day Kym found out she was pregnant with me wasn't something to be celebrated, and not just because she was 16 but because Kym never wanted kids. She never wanted to be married or have a family to tie her down. She debated even telling my dad she was pregnant and just going to the clinic to take care of it.
She went to the clinic and for whatever reason couldn't go through with it. She told my dad that night. Randy was more than a little excited about it and asked my mom to marry him. Kym declined and told him she wasn't going to be saddled with a baby AND a husband. After alot of pressure from both sides of the family my mom caved and agreed to get married.
When Kym was just three months along with me both the families got together and drove to Vegas for Kym and Randy's wedding. Kym was in her hotel room with her best friend getting ready.......which included getting completely shit faced drunk. She was so drunk her best friend had to help hold her up when they were saying there vows. Kym told me she laid in bed for a week after the wedding crying because her life was over.
Kym's pregnancy with me was pretty uneventful, thanks to her mom, my dad's mom (step mom but she was really my dad's mom seeing that his real mom had been MIA since he was 17 and not really involved before that) and my dad's grandmother she made it to all of her Dr's appointments, ate right and stayed active.
During her pregnancy however my dad's drinking problem started to present itself . It had always been there but he was good at hiding it from her. Randy was dishonorably discharged from the Navy and thanks to his father was able to get a boiler maker job with the union. Many nights Kym would go to bed alone not knowing where Randy was, not knowing if he was safe, and part of her didn't really care. More than once Kym had to ask family for money to pay the rent because Randy had literally drank away his entire paycheck. By the time Kym was 9 months pregnant she was 17 and was completely clueless what she needed to do and Randy was either at work or drunk or both at the same time, they had nothing ready for me. No crib, carseat, clothes, bottles, not one single thing you would need to bring home baby and the time was Coming fast.
She went to the clinic and for whatever reason couldn't go through with it. She told my dad that night. Randy was more than a little excited about it and asked my mom to marry him. Kym declined and told him she wasn't going to be saddled with a baby AND a husband. After alot of pressure from both sides of the family my mom caved and agreed to get married.
When Kym was just three months along with me both the families got together and drove to Vegas for Kym and Randy's wedding. Kym was in her hotel room with her best friend getting ready.......which included getting completely shit faced drunk. She was so drunk her best friend had to help hold her up when they were saying there vows. Kym told me she laid in bed for a week after the wedding crying because her life was over.
Kym's pregnancy with me was pretty uneventful, thanks to her mom, my dad's mom (step mom but she was really my dad's mom seeing that his real mom had been MIA since he was 17 and not really involved before that) and my dad's grandmother she made it to all of her Dr's appointments, ate right and stayed active.
During her pregnancy however my dad's drinking problem started to present itself . It had always been there but he was good at hiding it from her. Randy was dishonorably discharged from the Navy and thanks to his father was able to get a boiler maker job with the union. Many nights Kym would go to bed alone not knowing where Randy was, not knowing if he was safe, and part of her didn't really care. More than once Kym had to ask family for money to pay the rent because Randy had literally drank away his entire paycheck. By the time Kym was 9 months pregnant she was 17 and was completely clueless what she needed to do and Randy was either at work or drunk or both at the same time, they had nothing ready for me. No crib, carseat, clothes, bottles, not one single thing you would need to bring home baby and the time was Coming fast.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
A little back story to get started "chapter 1"
I guess I should start with my parents.
"MOM"
Kym led a really hard life as a young child, her mom abandoned her and her two brothers when she was very young, leaving them with there abusive father. I had been told stories of violence and mental abuse they all went through. One story that stuck out to me was when my mom came home from school (she was 11 I believe) and her father was sitting at the kitchen table with a loaded gun sitting in front of him. He told her he was going to shoot himself in the head and she was going to have to just sit there and watch. Kym tried to talk him down which made him angry and he turned the gun on her. If it wasn't for a perfectly timed knock on the door by a neighbor who heard the yelling I might not have ever been born.....at least not as me.
My grandmother re married, Kym and her brothers went to live with them when she was 12, but by then the damage has been done. She was a broken person who never really became whole again.
"DAD"
Randy had somewhat of a better childhood, his parents divorced when he was a baby and his mom moved to Hawaii his dad stayed in Oklahoma where that part of my family is from. My dad was shipped between Hawaii and Oklahoma most of the first few years of his life. My my grandfather re married and the family moved to Southern California when my dad was about 4. He mainly stayed with his dad and step mom with a few trips to Hawaii to visit his mom, they became fewer and fewer as the time went on till she moved to California when Randy was 10. Randy by this time haf become very angry and developed a drinking problem by the time he was just 13! Something he was never able to get under control.
" The two meet"
Randy and Kym met the first time at a party, Randy at the time was sleeping with Kym's best friend. Kym couldn't stand him, she said many times that just looking at him made her want to punch him. Randy trying to get her to warm up to him grabbed her and started tickling her, she begged him to stop and when he didn't she peed on him. Yes my parents first real interaction was when she peed on him (it really is a wonder I ever made it into this world).
A few months later was a school dance. My mom was only 16 at this point, dad was 19. Kym's best friends parents didn't like Randy, thought he was too old for her so in order for the two of them to go to the dance together Kym was the decoy. They would play it off as Randy was Kym's date and Kym's real date would pick up her best friend pretending to be hers and then they would switch at the dance (are you keeping up with this?)
Well the best friend and date never showed up to the dance (later it was found out they were in the back seat of his car doing the nasty). Kym and Randy decided to make the best out of the evening and that was how it all started. They hit it off and we're an official couple from that night on.
A few months later Randy went off to boot camp after joining the navy. Kym said she missed him so much that she planned on giving up her V card as soon as he got back.....and she did. 6 weeks later, the rabbit died.
"MOM"
Kym led a really hard life as a young child, her mom abandoned her and her two brothers when she was very young, leaving them with there abusive father. I had been told stories of violence and mental abuse they all went through. One story that stuck out to me was when my mom came home from school (she was 11 I believe) and her father was sitting at the kitchen table with a loaded gun sitting in front of him. He told her he was going to shoot himself in the head and she was going to have to just sit there and watch. Kym tried to talk him down which made him angry and he turned the gun on her. If it wasn't for a perfectly timed knock on the door by a neighbor who heard the yelling I might not have ever been born.....at least not as me.
My grandmother re married, Kym and her brothers went to live with them when she was 12, but by then the damage has been done. She was a broken person who never really became whole again.
"DAD"
Randy had somewhat of a better childhood, his parents divorced when he was a baby and his mom moved to Hawaii his dad stayed in Oklahoma where that part of my family is from. My dad was shipped between Hawaii and Oklahoma most of the first few years of his life. My my grandfather re married and the family moved to Southern California when my dad was about 4. He mainly stayed with his dad and step mom with a few trips to Hawaii to visit his mom, they became fewer and fewer as the time went on till she moved to California when Randy was 10. Randy by this time haf become very angry and developed a drinking problem by the time he was just 13! Something he was never able to get under control.
" The two meet"
Randy and Kym met the first time at a party, Randy at the time was sleeping with Kym's best friend. Kym couldn't stand him, she said many times that just looking at him made her want to punch him. Randy trying to get her to warm up to him grabbed her and started tickling her, she begged him to stop and when he didn't she peed on him. Yes my parents first real interaction was when she peed on him (it really is a wonder I ever made it into this world).
A few months later was a school dance. My mom was only 16 at this point, dad was 19. Kym's best friends parents didn't like Randy, thought he was too old for her so in order for the two of them to go to the dance together Kym was the decoy. They would play it off as Randy was Kym's date and Kym's real date would pick up her best friend pretending to be hers and then they would switch at the dance (are you keeping up with this?)
Well the best friend and date never showed up to the dance (later it was found out they were in the back seat of his car doing the nasty). Kym and Randy decided to make the best out of the evening and that was how it all started. They hit it off and we're an official couple from that night on.
A few months later Randy went off to boot camp after joining the navy. Kym said she missed him so much that she planned on giving up her V card as soon as he got back.....and she did. 6 weeks later, the rabbit died.
Where do I start?
I started writing this many many times intending it to be a book but after about the 10th time and me not being able to get anywhere near finished I decided to make this a blog instead. A blog about my life.
I am no one special, I'm not famous, my name isn't household known. .....I'm just me, a 32 year old mother to 4 and wife. But I have lead a life....like so many others, that has made me into the person I am today. I'm not saying my story is unique or one of a kind but it's mine. I'm sure some of you are saying "you're 32 what could you possibly know about life, your still living it" but I have had my share and then some of loss and pain and suffering.
This is my story, this is my journey through pain, suffering, confusion, healing and joy.
I am no one special, I'm not famous, my name isn't household known. .....I'm just me, a 32 year old mother to 4 and wife. But I have lead a life....like so many others, that has made me into the person I am today. I'm not saying my story is unique or one of a kind but it's mine. I'm sure some of you are saying "you're 32 what could you possibly know about life, your still living it" but I have had my share and then some of loss and pain and suffering.
This is my story, this is my journey through pain, suffering, confusion, healing and joy.
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