I stood there in the kitchen wanting to move closer to the table were Grams and Lee sat but I couldn't make myself move. Grams said Starr baby come sit here next to me, we need to talk to you. Fighting back the tears I slowly made my way to the table and sat down, Grams took my hand and started to cry.
"Starr baby, I went to see the doctor today to get my results from those tests" (Grams never called me Starr baby, that was pops thing, the couple times she had it was never followed by anything happy)
"what did she say Grams?"
"well sweetie, it looks like I have lung cancer, its pretty advanced but the dr thinks we can kick it with chemo"
"and you are doing the chemo right?........RIGHT??????"
"well that's what grandma and I were sitting here talking about, and yes, I think I am"
"of course you are Grams, you have to fight this! I need you!!!"
Grams was going to need round the clock care but I didn't care, I was going to do whatever I had to do to make sure she survived this, I couldn't even think about what would happen if she didn't, every time I tried to prepare myself for the worst case scenario it felt like I was kicked in the chest with a pair of cleats.
Just a few short days later Grams started chemo, she was sick and loosing her hair, she was week and had zero appetite. I would sit in bed with her and feed her beef and chicken broth just so she had something in her stomach.
November, December, January all passed and the chemo wasn't doing anything but making her sick, Grams made the decision to stop treatment and live what little time she had left without being so sick and tired all the time. Part of me understood her decision, and part of me didn't, I knew this meant that she was going to die, and I didn't know how much time I had left with her. I spent every waking moment with her, I didn't go to school, I didn't see friends unless they came to the house and even then it wasn't for long.
Grams was a fighter, she fought cancer tooth and nail, she gave it everything she had but in the end cancer won, on April 15th 1999 at 7:48am Grams passed. I was with her, laying in bed snuggling, we were talking and she said, "Starr, I know you are seeing Richard, Pop told me" I said "what do you mean Pop told you?" "That's not important right now sweet heart, just listen, I know you are still seeing Richard, and its ok, he loves you and you love him, and when I'm gone, you are going to need him more than ever, and please don't wait too long to see a doctor, its important" I just said "ok Grams, I love you, you know that?" "I do, and I love you too baby"
She laid her head on my shoulder, squeezed my hand, and was gone.
I laid with her for a few minutes just me and her and cried, holding her and telling her how much I loved her and thanking her for being an amazing mother to me. I finally got up and called Lee and 911, the paramedics came and took her away and I felt so empty, my heart was shattered and there was no putting it back together this time.
Lee was at home making the appointment with the funeral home to make the arrangements, and I was at home on the phone with Richard completely breaking down. I told him the last things Grams had said to me, when I repeated it, there was a little voice inside my head that told me to go take a test........why else would Grams tell me to see a doctor?
I told Richard I would have to call him back, I walked up the street to the drug store and then into the Carls Jr next door, and took the test in the bathroom. I sat there, dazing off into space, I have no idea how much time went by, but when I finally looked at the test.............
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