Richard and I were moving very fast, we were talking about getting married and having kids, where we would live and how I would be a stay at home mom because we both felt that's what was best for our future kids.
Grams was concerned about how fast things between us were moving and urged me to break up with him and explore my options, but just the thought of not being with him made my entire chest ache. I was terrified with the relationship, it was so serious and I didn't know how to handle it but I was more happy than scared so I just went with it.
Mine and Richards relationship started to put a strain on mine and Grams relationship, she and I were always butting heads and I started to become very disrespectful to her, basically telling her what I was going to do instead of asking permission, being mouthy and talking back a lot....something I regret more than anything else in my life.
when Richard and I had been together for four months I found out I was pregnant. I was scared and didn't know what Richard would think, what Grams would say or do, I knew Lee would try and force abortion, she had told me more than once if I got pregnant I wouldn't have a choice. I was scared that Grams would forbid Richard and I to see each other anymore.
That night when Richard came over I told him I was pregnant, he just smiled at me and said we will figure it out, the important thing is that you tell your grandma and start seeing a doctor. I told him what Lee had said and he promised me he wouldn't let that happen.
I was trying to muster the courage to tell Grams I was pregnant, but I didn't end up needing to, I ended up having a miscarriage two weeks later. I was devastated, I felt a pain in my heart that was unlike any other pain I had ever had, I already loved this baby more than my own life and now it was gone. Richard left work early that day and came over, he just held me while I cried. He promised me that we would have lots of babies once we were married, that made me feel a little better but I was still in pain and would be for a long time.
I still to this day believe it was from the stress of the strain on mine and Grams relationship and from the fear I felt having to tell her I was pregnant.
I know now it was a blessing in disguise. Randy ended up overdosing shortly after my miscarriage and again I was the strong one helping Grams figure everything out. Randy didn't die but came very close to it. Grams was at her wits end with him and I'm sure her stress level was through the roof, she was becoming week and frail and very short tempered which wasn't like Grams at all. I was worried for her and for her health.
One night when I heard grams crying in her room while on the phone with her sister in Oklahoma about how much stress Randy had put her through and I snapped, I burst into his room and started screaming at him, I told him what a worthless piece of shit he was and how I couldn't stand him and that the family would have been better off if he had died. Randy just stood there staring at me and when I turned to leave he threw a ninja star at my head, it missed me by inches and stuck in the door next to me. At that moment I knew Randy never loved me, that he couldn't love me, all his love was being consumed by his addiction. I became numb to him at that moment, I no longer cared what happened to him, I no longer cared if he was killing himself slowly and painfully with the drugs and alcohol, I actually prayed for him to die, that moment put me in a very dark place, a place I never want to see again.
I was relieved that during all this I had Richard to lean on, he was amazing, he was the strength when I couldn't find my own and he carried me through it all.
little did I know that soon, that would end......
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